this is hunting me somehow

Where does that negativity in me comes from? And I am not even aware of it. What I say and how I react, other people receive it as negativity. I am just trying to be true, honest and do the right thing … but the world receives it the other way around.
So, what to do? I have googled the topic and found some good points. But at the end there is still the issue, that I am not aware of it. Same thing is with people saying that I am complaining, where I intend just to say the facts. Here are the things I might have to look at myself:

  • Stop thinking in extremes
  • Stop over-generalizing the negative
  • Don’t minimize the positive
  • Stop mindreading
  • Stop taking all the responsibility
  • Stop forcing your own rules on life
  • Stop making things up and believing it

That are good points. (taken from ).

I like that comment too:

Look at how much control and influence you really have over things that you tend to think negatively about.

I guess I mostly have different expectation and I am wondering why people don’t think like me. All this behavior seems to make my own life difficult.
So, I have plenty of things still to learn, probably mostly to un-learn, change of habits. Sure, I could defend my behaviour, but what for?

It’s up to me again. Think before you react. Calm down when things get hectic. If I want to archive my goal(s) I better try to put my love and happiness into my life. I have started some procedures already, but surely it takes time.

I have to keep up the discipline and the commitment.


Long time no write

yep, Winston did strike and isolated us for a couple of weeks … power and some kind of normality is back now. But still more things to sort out.
My first cyclone … and right away the strongest ever recorded here in Fiji. Not an experience I want to share or wish anyone. We were lucky … the house stood still. But the trees around us got quite some damage. Luckily none of them damaged our house.
Good reminder as well to value the basic things of life. Shelter, Food, water, Family … how could we forget all that in such a short time? Human race is quite spoiled. I guess if we would look after each other more and value simple things again … lot of unnecessary death, war and hate could be avoided.
The challenge is now to come out of it much stronger and smarter, but that’s why it is called a “challenge”. There is only that much we can do ourselves … but at least we should do what’s possible ourselves and not wait for other to give, donate and share. yes of course donations are welcome and highly needed. However, we should not waste time and wait for help. Surely, you can find always something to do … then do it. Make sure it helps you and your community to grow.

I will try to be back online here for several reasons … to clear my mind, to train my writing style and to show the world that I have a voice too.

I decide to be happy and am doing it with love.

mixed emotions

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • inspired
  • keep moving, do the boring parts and then do the excited things, don’t lose track
  • write everything down you are doing … she will come back later at some point and want the details!
  • Mixed emotions

Yeah, I love those days when you are motivated in the morning. And even better when this feeling last throughout the day. The art is to keep it at that level, no matter what comes your way. And there are days it works and days where it not works. To master that kind of art you need an huge amount of willpower and you need to know what you want. With those two ingredients, you could be unstoppable. But surely everyone know how easy it is to slip off the track, to find distraction (are we looking for it in the first place?).

So, why mixed emotions then? I thought about this several times already … when things go well at work, there is a high probability that there are issues at home and vice versa. Maybe that is meant to be the balanced life. But why can’t we have both … feeling good at work and in family? When I come home from work with a good mood, why can’t I keep it up sometimes?

something to think about …

only the allais paradox

Thoughts of the day (edited)

  • How can they be identical when you replaced values in the process? (see picture about the Allais Paradox
  • moment of panic = recall to focus

Allais paradox - how does it work?

I came across the paradox during my course on Behavioural Economics. I guess pure curiosity brought me to that course. Yes, it was interesting that there is even a science about our day to day stuff. This Allais Paradox is describing 2 different problems, where in problem A most human beings would chose option A and in problem B most human beings would chose option B. The author of that video did some minor changes to the options and it turns out to be the exact same problems (A=B), but humans are making different choices. But something in my is hesitating to accept that (I guess as usual, hehehe). I agree one can move around some variables and still have the same expression, but in this case the author actually change actual numbers, like replacing 123 with 389 in problem A and comparing it with 389 from problem B and conclude that is the same!

If you are interested have a look at the actual video and let me know if I am missing something.

Anyway, I might not find enough time to dig into it deeper … work pensum is increasing but I also need to learn to focus. Distraction is the least I need now if we want to make those publications happening.

displaying an excessively critical point of view

Thoughts of the day (edited)

  • I am ok with getting up at 6am on a Saturday and doing some gardening
  • it is not ok, that I did not my Yoga session and I did not write my blog, I am falling behind
  • the presence of hubby is distracting … that is a challenge for me, to stay on track. Of course I want to have him at home, but it should not make me lose the sight of my/our goals
  • it’s a very strong the feeling being judgmental, having an opinion about someone, so how to avoid to be judgmental?
  • When someone asks for my opinion, I am asked to be judgmental, no?
  • everybody is thinking it, I am the stupid and naive one, who writes it in an email
  • club with the tuvu girls – Tuvu Lewa
  • talk to hubby about savings from his side, health, planning and goals
  • get more structure at home (I think too much resting)
  • zenhabits … here we go again

It is always an ever-growing or ever-demanding system. If you are doing a little today, you go to a next stage with more discipline, more love and more focus. And then the time will come when you will be able to have that echo in others; you will be able to create an impact in others.

Kamlesh D. Patel, Designing Destiny (2nd edn., 2016, unpublished), p. 0

I guess there will always be days like this. The challenge is to just keep going and not to give up.

Having goals is great, but implementing them is the challenge and staying on track. Even the own family can throw you out of the path sometimes. Have to plan this in.

Yes, I was judgmental again, but I keep fighting it. Maybe sometimes I just have to keep quiet. Above I have found some resources on how to avoid being judgmental. Good read, both of them. The challenge is, when people ask you for your opinion, do they ask you to be judgmental? Or maybe it’s again just a matter what words you chose. I need to extend my vocabulary, English and German, being aware of that both can have two different meanings.

We had the idea to set up a club here at Tuvu, will see if we can start it next week. Grog or no grog? Would be good to do some savings. Curios how this will go.

Saving and budgeting is something everyone should do. One should develop the discipline to do that. I do some savings already, but we need to set up a system for hubby as well. Not that easy when you get paid cash, the temptation to spend the money is there right away.

One of the links above is from zen habits. I used to follow that guys a couple of years ago. Was wondering what he is up to now, so I subscribed again, after I found him googling for my judging problem.

The definition of being judgmental is the title of today’s post … Excessively critical point of view. Looks like I have to soften up a bit. I also smell some habits I’ve got from my dad. Interesting journey!

choices of words

Thoughts of the day (edited):
– managed yoga and a bit of watering of the garden …Luckily soil still wet from the night
– Banana smoothie with poi and mother of all herbs
– What is with those people who are permanently on the phone? What the heck are they talking about all the time? Maybe other people are talking what I am thinking. Could be the similar amount, hehehe
– with I could spend hours just learning … so many interesting things.
– I hardly get any sleep these days, as I want to do so much … yes, I have created willpower, I just have to stick to it
– You can’t just come and dump your stuff in here.
– I want to fill those tables asap, so I can start writing stories around it. Might ask My mentor for some statistical input, like significance.
– edx .. I am excited about my certificate.
– B1G1 for our organisation – suggestion letter
– Man, I want to do so much
– too tired at home … as soon as I rest at home … the body crashes, missing out on learning and a bit more action
– people I would like to come to our organization:
– Paul Dunn
– Tyler Tolman
– Don Tolman

The changes that you go through because of meditation are invisible changes, but you yourself will feel it. When you write your diary you will be able to see what has been happening.
Kamlesh D. Patel, Designing Destiny (2nd edn., 2016, unpublished), p. 0

Have turned the yoga into kind of a routine for the morning. Still need some work but it becomes a habit slowly. Maybe I should describe a bit more about the sequence I’m doing. This way I maybe start feeling it.

Love having my banana smoothie in the morning. Unfortunately I can’t have it everyday, as fruits are not available all the time at the shop. That means we have to plant more orchards then. The recipe for the smoothie: 4 cooled bananas, one soft date, a couple of leaves of poi and ,other of all herbs … Blended all up and enjoy!

Some people are born with phones on their ears. They hang out with the phone the same way they would hang out with a friend, same body language. How would you feel when you walk with a friend and she is on the phone all the way? Being ignored? Maybe I’m just jealous that no one is calling me ( the opposite is actually the case).. I’m just wondering what they talk about … What do hey have to tell to each other? Or the other woman I see every morning going to work … always on the phone.

My new playground for a little while now … So much to learn. Still would be better if I could apply all the stuff I’m learning. Baby boy sometimes not sleeping before 11pm … and I’m still trying to at least go through one lesson. So, baby steps for me here … but it is happening. Not to forget to mention how tired I can be, because I want too get so many things done. I need to find a balance, otherwise I will collapse.

I won’t elaborate more on the comment with dumping stuff here. It is not the place to judge someone and his action. I know and I have shared this already, judging is my weakness. So better I leave it like this before I chose the wrong words, because I am too naive and say what other people think.

B1G1 stands for buy one give one and I am seeing this as a good opportunity for our organization. Will try to write down as a suggestion. Imagine Paul Dunn coming to Paul … People would hang on his lips. Same with the Tolman boys .. Would love to have them visit our compound.

Time to do one lesson.

Good night


busy the right way

Thoughts of the day (edited):
– yeah, it was raining last night, so we don’t need to water the garden
– did my yoga
– yes, I have my black tea in the morning but I also get my banana smoothie, as Mark brought some nice bananas
– bring on the new day … we will make it happen … love my life
– Loved the singing this morning : Sa qai rogo mai na domo
– during meditation I ended up somehow thinking about bloodtransfusion in Munich (Schwabinger Krankenhaus)
– love being busy, I just hope it is the right “being busy”
– Have to get smarter and set up process, especially when it comes to do data analysis … I am doing it the hard way
– Dschungelcamp … really? that is the top news in STERN?
– Novamind: free lite cloud version
– tiiiiiirrreeeeeeed
– those people … no interest in proper formatting
– please … get back on track with R
– yeah, just finished more R-exercise from week 1
– won’t be easy

I was happy to see some rain. It definitely makes things easier for us with those seedlings outline. For my morning routine I would love to have fresh fruits for smoothies, but unfortunately the shop can’t provide every day. One more reason to have them all ready in our own backyard. To wake up I need some kind of carbohydrates, and at the moment it is still black tea with some sugar. Any other choice?

During the day I really have some hyper time, where I feel I’m moving forward. Maybe it’s because of the worship
S we sing in the morning. Love it the Fijian way.

The whole data analysis and data entry process need to be more systemwide do, otherwise it becomes very tidies work. So R comes very handy. Every day one more step in the course. I can see modules coming up I really need for the latest paper.

I’m also trying other tools to free my mind, and the mind mapping tool Novamind comes handy, but also quite a distraction. So I better leave it for the time being.

I don’t mind helping people, but simple formatting should be a standard skill. I need them to look over my shoulder and learn.

Please universe be on my side during hard and easy times, take away all the worry and give me the courage to ask the right questions.

Sleeping time … moce!

Lack of sleep

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • unsocial me is coming out … accepting compromises so I can avoid people
  • some work is very time-consuming; especially frustrating when it is low priority work
  • Getting into the yoga habbit, but still struggling to avoid black tea with sugar in the morning; would be easier if there were any fruits at home.
  • yeah, another email from mentor … with sooooo many questions
  • metabolism still not back to normal, as I am now on 150mg thyroxin – still too slow
  • I am getting kind of upset when I am not able to attend even my online courses, however I did manage to write email to my cousin … but then I got soooo tired. Remember I am sleeping less than 6 hours every day.
  • Someone is obese and people say, that they look beautiful … what do they mean? The look or the person? Surely she might be a beautiful person inside, but she is still obese?
  • Why do I feel humiliated when they laugh about me? Or do they laugh at me? What’s the difference?
  • I am very disappointed in the German magazine Spiegel and Stern. Jungle camp in the top news? Is this what the nation has to know? Also, everytime you see at least one nude or nude-like pictures on their websites.
  • Yeahhhh, Daddy is back from fishin 🙂
  • inconsistency in writing the blog/journal
  • hubby busy in the garden, happy he is doing his part
  • If really everything grows what we have planted … whew … so much eggplant and pawpaw

So, it hump day and Daddy decided to come home from fishing … yummy, lolo fish … my favourite. Thank goodness for coconuts. But it also brings another hand for the garden. We did quite some clean up done and I could focus on planting and transplanting. As I said, if everything fruits what we have planted … I better open up a market stall right in front of my house.

There are moments where my introvert behaviour is very dominant. I avoid people. So what am I afraid of? They would say something, and then I might not understand it … the most awful feeling, for me at least. But what I need to work on extremely hard is not being judgmental. Very painful path for me. I am sure there is plenty more coming about that issue.

Work, I don’t like that word anymore. Because we need to understand that if we love what we do and we do what we love … this is not work. I have been giving the opportunity to only work on one thing, highest priority. However, other things come up, a kere kere here and a kere kere there. They know exactly it gets done. And yes, I love doing those things as well. So, I need to train our staff to be more independent and to not call my name for minor things. Good thing is I am in conversation with my mentor. And to work on that project, I really need to focus, put my mind into it. So sometimes I wish I had my own little corner where I could hide and do my work.

I am close to be on track with my thyroid again and the supplements. However, I have still in my mind to fix my thyroid just with the right food. Don’t come and tell me you have to eat fish. This I know … that’s not what is wrong with my thyroid. That’s another long story. I am still blaming my tiredness on the thyroid … too long under-functioned. Yes, I enjoyed the time where I was quite a bit hyper, but the side effects are just too dangerous. Being tired, is not helping when it comes to do some homework or evening school … my eyes are literally closing by itself. I am not allowed to lie down, I will fall asleep. Very challenging, especially when I want to put my baby boy to bed. ok, ok, ok … we leave it here. Will see how we go in the next couple of days.

Beautiful is a tricky word for me. And I just had to learn that a person can be beautiful from the inside. As I have mentioned above, I tend easily to judge people. So, excuse my words or when I hurt you … it is not the purpose of this note. I need to learn to observe myself. Every person has his/her own opinion about being beautiful. Yes, I am struggling with it when an obviously obese person get told she is a beautiful person. A person that is obviously unfit and unhealthy, is hurting him or herself and their families. That’s not nice, is it? So taking a picture, with a fancy dress and a piece of cake in front of you, doesn’t make you look beautiful (my thinking). This is just bitter irony. So, why can people comment on such a picture “oh, you look so beautiful”? I am sorry, I don’t get it. Maybe it is all about having fake friends to boost you confidence, I don’t know.

I am trying to keep up with the German news and so from time to time I have a look at the online magazine Der Spiegel und Der Stern. But what I see there is very disappointed. Jungle camp … a very low level TV show is listed up as one of the top stories. Really? Is this what this nation needs at the moment? Maybe I have spent already too much time with religious and spiritual people here in Fiji, but the nudity in both magazine is getting a bit too much for my taste. I need to change my source of information.

Whew, plenty of information and plenty of things to think about and change. Go for it!

Backyard gardening is happening

Today’s thoughts (edited):
– 5:30am woke up with baby boy … yeah! straight to Upin & Ipin, his and my favorite cartoon
– one mug of lemon grass tee
– watered the pawpaw plants
– made pancakes with bananas, poi, egg, backing powder, flour, in coconut oil … Not very solid, but at least I’ve tried
– yoga done
– yeah, got some tamole seeds + custard apple seeds
– nothing to think about
– yes, Mentor is in …
– I kind of enjoy the gardening part … hopefully it will pay off
– go back to R!!!
– Au taleitaka na panekeke vita china
– coffee is not helping, is it?
– and I heard it again again … “we can’t do over hours, we have our menses (doooh_)”
– Transplanted more pawpaw and egg plant and cabbage
– Watered whole garden
– Plenty lemon grass tea in the evening after one cup of black tea with sugar

Reviewing my notes, I had a pretty good day. I’m especially proud of the progress made in out garden. From day to day one might not be able to see the difference, but looking back where we have started, it looks pretty amazing and I hope we can harvest the fruits of our work.

Yeah, the black tea input especially with sugar has to be reduced. So I am on to lemongrass tea. My only worry is where will I get my quick energy from, as coffee doesn’t really seem to work anymore. This permanent tiredness starts to worry me.
Yes, I have the confirmation from a me or that she is on board again. Please universe (or lord or however you call yourself), give me the skills, knowledge and courage to publish this particular paper. It will open us so many other doors.

I can’t really grasp the issue of some women with the female period. I’m a woman myself and I have this issue every freaking month. Are there things I can’t do during that time? No. I sometimes even forget that I have my menses. Sure, every women is different, every menses is different. But seriously, almost every woman I know here in Fiji, and I’m close enough to talk about such issues, is complaining about her menses. She has her menses, she can’t do this exercise or she can’t do over hours. I will monitor this for a bit more and then I might raise that issue. Otherwise it will keep me busy thinking about it.

And there is still the hope that I will learn to speak Fijian on day. I’ve realized that I won’t learn it at home. So, will keep asking people at work and maybe my son will pick it up. Until then I’m relying on the technical terms from JICA, haha.

Go back to R. Oh man, how much I wish I would be fluent R by now. It would came pretty handy. But as usual I’m learning the hard way. Thanks to …. I’m on that platform as much as I can, because I want to learn and understand. Even better if I could apply all that too.

Ok, enough talking … Still want to do some edx.

Stay safe people!


where to start

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • Getting in kind of a morning routine here:
    • 5:30am get up
    • Watering garden
    • Yoga (Should do Yoga and prayers first thing in the morning, but I feel like I am risking to fall asleep again, if I don’t move)
    • black tea, sugar and crackers (so bad, but I need energy, and there were no bananas in the shop yesterdays)
    • listened to several prayers on Abide, but can’t really focus (can’t sit still in the morning)
    • prepared lunch on fireplace with help of Mere (same like yesterday’s dinner), fried Bele and poi and cucumber salad
  • Fear of failing and being told off
  • thoughts during morning meditation:
    • not deep breathing => not enough pressure to push oxygen from lungs capillary to blood capillary => low level of Oxygen bound to Hb
    • get things done … you start … you finish
  • OK, where to start
  • do I feel some kind of excitement coming up? Or is it just the usual “Monday let’s get into it” mood?
  • shall I put all this on my blog?
    • Yes … to stay accountable to myself
    • No … no better things to do?
  • Neujahrsgruesse to Tina
  • Bible verses and motivational quotations … print and laminate for home!
  • Note to myself: cucumber and coconut oil doesn’t go with each other! (maybe with VCO and dill and lemon)
  • how to stop being judgmental
  • selling veggies to the neighbour makes her feel bad (both have a job, why does she need to sell veggies?) … so kind of barter system instead

I can see that I start to note down my day-to-day activities. That’s not what this is meant to be used for. Thoughts only, ideas, maybe notes.
So please excuse my morning routine.
Interesting what comes up during morning quiet time, where I meant to think about nothing. Level of O2, CO2 and CO. I guess I just observed some kind of flat breathing in myself, as I am trying to listen to my breathing, so I am not getting distracted to other things.
The notes on top regarding “ok where to start”, graphs, excitement are all work-related. I really need to stick to the current willpower energy to get things done.
Being judgemental will be discussed during another project. Barter system is something I am thinking about already for some time. I might have to come up with a proposal and speak to the other women.

Damn, I’m really tired and won’t be able to finish this . My legs also start to be restless, not a nice feeling.

Somethings you do will never be appreciated.

bye, bye