Category Archives: mental

mixed emotions

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • inspired
  • keep moving, do the boring parts and then do the excited things, don’t lose track
  • write everything down you are doing … she will come back later at some point and want the details!
  • Mixed emotions

Yeah, I love those days when you are motivated in the morning. And even better when this feeling last throughout the day. The art is to keep it at that level, no matter what comes your way. And there are days it works and days where it not works. To master that kind of art you need an huge amount of willpower and you need to know what you want. With those two ingredients, you could be unstoppable. But surely everyone know how easy it is to slip off the track, to find distraction (are we looking for it in the first place?).

So, why mixed emotions then? I thought about this several times already … when things go well at work, there is a high probability that there are issues at home and vice versa. Maybe that is meant to be the balanced life. But why can’t we have both … feeling good at work and in family? When I come home from work with a good mood, why can’t I keep it up sometimes?

something to think about …

only the allais paradox

Thoughts of the day (edited)

  • How can they be identical when you replaced values in the process? (see picture about the Allais Paradox
  • moment of panic = recall to focus

Allais paradox - how does it work?

I came across the paradox during my course on Behavioural Economics. I guess pure curiosity brought me to that course. Yes, it was interesting that there is even a science about our day to day stuff. This Allais Paradox is describing 2 different problems, where in problem A most human beings would chose option A and in problem B most human beings would chose option B. The author of that video did some minor changes to the options and it turns out to be the exact same problems (A=B), but humans are making different choices. But something in my is hesitating to accept that (I guess as usual, hehehe). I agree one can move around some variables and still have the same expression, but in this case the author actually change actual numbers, like replacing 123 with 389 in problem A and comparing it with 389 from problem B and conclude that is the same!

If you are interested have a look at the actual video and let me know if I am missing something.

Anyway, I might not find enough time to dig into it deeper … work pensum is increasing but I also need to learn to focus. Distraction is the least I need now if we want to make those publications happening.

displaying an excessively critical point of view

Thoughts of the day (edited)

  • I am ok with getting up at 6am on a Saturday and doing some gardening
  • it is not ok, that I did not my Yoga session and I did not write my blog, I am falling behind
  • the presence of hubby is distracting … that is a challenge for me, to stay on track. Of course I want to have him at home, but it should not make me lose the sight of my/our goals
  • it’s a very strong the feeling being judgmental, having an opinion about someone, so how to avoid to be judgmental?
  • When someone asks for my opinion, I am asked to be judgmental, no?
  • everybody is thinking it, I am the stupid and naive one, who writes it in an email
  • club with the tuvu girls – Tuvu Lewa
  • talk to hubby about savings from his side, health, planning and goals
  • get more structure at home (I think too much resting)
  • zenhabits … here we go again

It is always an ever-growing or ever-demanding system. If you are doing a little today, you go to a next stage with more discipline, more love and more focus. And then the time will come when you will be able to have that echo in others; you will be able to create an impact in others.

Kamlesh D. Patel, Designing Destiny (2nd edn., 2016, unpublished), p. 0

I guess there will always be days like this. The challenge is to just keep going and not to give up.

Having goals is great, but implementing them is the challenge and staying on track. Even the own family can throw you out of the path sometimes. Have to plan this in.

Yes, I was judgmental again, but I keep fighting it. Maybe sometimes I just have to keep quiet. Above I have found some resources on how to avoid being judgmental. Good read, both of them. The challenge is, when people ask you for your opinion, do they ask you to be judgmental? Or maybe it’s again just a matter what words you chose. I need to extend my vocabulary, English and German, being aware of that both can have two different meanings.

We had the idea to set up a club here at Tuvu, will see if we can start it next week. Grog or no grog? Would be good to do some savings. Curios how this will go.

Saving and budgeting is something everyone should do. One should develop the discipline to do that. I do some savings already, but we need to set up a system for hubby as well. Not that easy when you get paid cash, the temptation to spend the money is there right away.

One of the links above is from zen habits. I used to follow that guys a couple of years ago. Was wondering what he is up to now, so I subscribed again, after I found him googling for my judging problem.

The definition of being judgmental is the title of today’s post … Excessively critical point of view. Looks like I have to soften up a bit. I also smell some habits I’ve got from my dad. Interesting journey!

choices of words

Thoughts of the day (edited):
– managed yoga and a bit of watering of the garden …Luckily soil still wet from the night
– Banana smoothie with poi and mother of all herbs
– What is with those people who are permanently on the phone? What the heck are they talking about all the time? Maybe other people are talking what I am thinking. Could be the similar amount, hehehe
– with I could spend hours just learning … so many interesting things.
– I hardly get any sleep these days, as I want to do so much … yes, I have created willpower, I just have to stick to it
– You can’t just come and dump your stuff in here.
– I want to fill those tables asap, so I can start writing stories around it. Might ask My mentor for some statistical input, like significance.
– edx .. I am excited about my certificate.
– B1G1 for our organisation – suggestion letter
– Man, I want to do so much
– too tired at home … as soon as I rest at home … the body crashes, missing out on learning and a bit more action
– people I would like to come to our organization:
– Paul Dunn
– Tyler Tolman
– Don Tolman

The changes that you go through because of meditation are invisible changes, but you yourself will feel it. When you write your diary you will be able to see what has been happening.
Kamlesh D. Patel, Designing Destiny (2nd edn., 2016, unpublished), p. 0

Have turned the yoga into kind of a routine for the morning. Still need some work but it becomes a habit slowly. Maybe I should describe a bit more about the sequence I’m doing. This way I maybe start feeling it.

Love having my banana smoothie in the morning. Unfortunately I can’t have it everyday, as fruits are not available all the time at the shop. That means we have to plant more orchards then. The recipe for the smoothie: 4 cooled bananas, one soft date, a couple of leaves of poi and ,other of all herbs … Blended all up and enjoy!

Some people are born with phones on their ears. They hang out with the phone the same way they would hang out with a friend, same body language. How would you feel when you walk with a friend and she is on the phone all the way? Being ignored? Maybe I’m just jealous that no one is calling me ( the opposite is actually the case).. I’m just wondering what they talk about … What do hey have to tell to each other? Or the other woman I see every morning going to work … always on the phone.

My new playground for a little while now … So much to learn. Still would be better if I could apply all the stuff I’m learning. Baby boy sometimes not sleeping before 11pm … and I’m still trying to at least go through one lesson. So, baby steps for me here … but it is happening. Not to forget to mention how tired I can be, because I want too get so many things done. I need to find a balance, otherwise I will collapse.

I won’t elaborate more on the comment with dumping stuff here. It is not the place to judge someone and his action. I know and I have shared this already, judging is my weakness. So better I leave it like this before I chose the wrong words, because I am too naive and say what other people think.

B1G1 stands for buy one give one and I am seeing this as a good opportunity for our organization. Will try to write down as a suggestion. Imagine Paul Dunn coming to Paul … People would hang on his lips. Same with the Tolman boys .. Would love to have them visit our compound.

Time to do one lesson.

Good night


busy the right way

Thoughts of the day (edited):
– yeah, it was raining last night, so we don’t need to water the garden
– did my yoga
– yes, I have my black tea in the morning but I also get my banana smoothie, as Mark brought some nice bananas
– bring on the new day … we will make it happen … love my life
– Loved the singing this morning : Sa qai rogo mai na domo
– during meditation I ended up somehow thinking about bloodtransfusion in Munich (Schwabinger Krankenhaus)
– love being busy, I just hope it is the right “being busy”
– Have to get smarter and set up process, especially when it comes to do data analysis … I am doing it the hard way
– Dschungelcamp … really? that is the top news in STERN?
– Novamind: free lite cloud version
– tiiiiiirrreeeeeeed
– those people … no interest in proper formatting
– please … get back on track with R
– yeah, just finished more R-exercise from week 1
– won’t be easy

I was happy to see some rain. It definitely makes things easier for us with those seedlings outline. For my morning routine I would love to have fresh fruits for smoothies, but unfortunately the shop can’t provide every day. One more reason to have them all ready in our own backyard. To wake up I need some kind of carbohydrates, and at the moment it is still black tea with some sugar. Any other choice?

During the day I really have some hyper time, where I feel I’m moving forward. Maybe it’s because of the worship
S we sing in the morning. Love it the Fijian way.

The whole data analysis and data entry process need to be more systemwide do, otherwise it becomes very tidies work. So R comes very handy. Every day one more step in the course. I can see modules coming up I really need for the latest paper.

I’m also trying other tools to free my mind, and the mind mapping tool Novamind comes handy, but also quite a distraction. So I better leave it for the time being.

I don’t mind helping people, but simple formatting should be a standard skill. I need them to look over my shoulder and learn.

Please universe be on my side during hard and easy times, take away all the worry and give me the courage to ask the right questions.

Sleeping time … moce!

Lack of sleep

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • unsocial me is coming out … accepting compromises so I can avoid people
  • some work is very time-consuming; especially frustrating when it is low priority work
  • Getting into the yoga habbit, but still struggling to avoid black tea with sugar in the morning; would be easier if there were any fruits at home.
  • yeah, another email from mentor … with sooooo many questions
  • metabolism still not back to normal, as I am now on 150mg thyroxin – still too slow
  • I am getting kind of upset when I am not able to attend even my online courses, however I did manage to write email to my cousin … but then I got soooo tired. Remember I am sleeping less than 6 hours every day.
  • Someone is obese and people say, that they look beautiful … what do they mean? The look or the person? Surely she might be a beautiful person inside, but she is still obese?
  • Why do I feel humiliated when they laugh about me? Or do they laugh at me? What’s the difference?
  • I am very disappointed in the German magazine Spiegel and Stern. Jungle camp in the top news? Is this what the nation has to know? Also, everytime you see at least one nude or nude-like pictures on their websites.
  • Yeahhhh, Daddy is back from fishin 🙂
  • inconsistency in writing the blog/journal
  • hubby busy in the garden, happy he is doing his part
  • If really everything grows what we have planted … whew … so much eggplant and pawpaw

So, it hump day and Daddy decided to come home from fishing … yummy, lolo fish … my favourite. Thank goodness for coconuts. But it also brings another hand for the garden. We did quite some clean up done and I could focus on planting and transplanting. As I said, if everything fruits what we have planted … I better open up a market stall right in front of my house.

There are moments where my introvert behaviour is very dominant. I avoid people. So what am I afraid of? They would say something, and then I might not understand it … the most awful feeling, for me at least. But what I need to work on extremely hard is not being judgmental. Very painful path for me. I am sure there is plenty more coming about that issue.

Work, I don’t like that word anymore. Because we need to understand that if we love what we do and we do what we love … this is not work. I have been giving the opportunity to only work on one thing, highest priority. However, other things come up, a kere kere here and a kere kere there. They know exactly it gets done. And yes, I love doing those things as well. So, I need to train our staff to be more independent and to not call my name for minor things. Good thing is I am in conversation with my mentor. And to work on that project, I really need to focus, put my mind into it. So sometimes I wish I had my own little corner where I could hide and do my work.

I am close to be on track with my thyroid again and the supplements. However, I have still in my mind to fix my thyroid just with the right food. Don’t come and tell me you have to eat fish. This I know … that’s not what is wrong with my thyroid. That’s another long story. I am still blaming my tiredness on the thyroid … too long under-functioned. Yes, I enjoyed the time where I was quite a bit hyper, but the side effects are just too dangerous. Being tired, is not helping when it comes to do some homework or evening school … my eyes are literally closing by itself. I am not allowed to lie down, I will fall asleep. Very challenging, especially when I want to put my baby boy to bed. ok, ok, ok … we leave it here. Will see how we go in the next couple of days.

Beautiful is a tricky word for me. And I just had to learn that a person can be beautiful from the inside. As I have mentioned above, I tend easily to judge people. So, excuse my words or when I hurt you … it is not the purpose of this note. I need to learn to observe myself. Every person has his/her own opinion about being beautiful. Yes, I am struggling with it when an obviously obese person get told she is a beautiful person. A person that is obviously unfit and unhealthy, is hurting him or herself and their families. That’s not nice, is it? So taking a picture, with a fancy dress and a piece of cake in front of you, doesn’t make you look beautiful (my thinking). This is just bitter irony. So, why can people comment on such a picture “oh, you look so beautiful”? I am sorry, I don’t get it. Maybe it is all about having fake friends to boost you confidence, I don’t know.

I am trying to keep up with the German news and so from time to time I have a look at the online magazine Der Spiegel und Der Stern. But what I see there is very disappointed. Jungle camp … a very low level TV show is listed up as one of the top stories. Really? Is this what this nation needs at the moment? Maybe I have spent already too much time with religious and spiritual people here in Fiji, but the nudity in both magazine is getting a bit too much for my taste. I need to change my source of information.

Whew, plenty of information and plenty of things to think about and change. Go for it!

willpower and co

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • fear of the answer
  • will power
  • Bill Gates video about farming
  • start reading papers to get into the “slang”

This fear, something could go wrong. You have tried to settle down, so you can focus on the future with your family, but then one wrong move, word or action … and it can be destroyed and you have to start from scratch somewhere else, maybe even with someone else. Ok, let’s not cry the wolf here. But having this fear, can very much hold you back in your potential, what you could achieve. Should we always have a plan B? That’s they they say you should do some saving for emergency, for just in case. But you know what, although we do savings, it has never reached the level of being sufficient, because I had to move and circumstances have changed too quickly. So yes, I am not sure how to fight this fear. Maybe only by really being me (again?) … do what you think you should do, be yourself … and people will question you, ridicule you and then copy you.

Willpower, something I have seen in me. With willpower, I have been raw foodist and run to the gym almost daily back in my Aussie days. Am I consistent? Not really. Yes for the food and gym back then, and the only person I had to be responsible was myself. Does willpower works when you are tired? For your own safety, sleep when you are tired!
I will appreciate more the little things I am doing on a daily basis.

This I think is very nice short video from Bill Gates:

What do you think?

It’s all not new, but you have to train your mind to talk the language you should be talking. I have to show the willpower now and look into those UN reports and check out all the charts. What’s the latest in agricultre? What the most “in” journal when it comes to development work?

Sorry, a bit short today … I am just sooo tired tonight.


As soon as I lay down, I fall asleep. And sometimes baby boy still running around. Who to blame? Of course myself, but also the permanent change of dosage of my medication. 

I had found the right dosage  and stuck to it for years. However, i wanted to find out whether my body can heal itself, when I just eat the right things. I still believe us human beings can do that. For me just the circumstances run a bit out of control, like leaving the country, marriage, new job, new life and baby boy. 

Now I feel like I need to start from scratch. Get the right dosage and get your life sorted. Then we can talk again.

As already listed in the last post, I really want to get things done, personally and at work. And at the moment things are quite overwhelming. Though, I am getting baby steps done. I guess I can’t see the changes until I have done a couple more baby steps. Additionally, there are still too many steps backwards. And if I or we could sort them out, that would be just wonderful. What are those steps backwards? Here some examples as I see it today:

  • Lack of planning
  • Lack of discipline
  • Lack of goal setting ( to a degree)

Big issue, but we have to tackle them slowly. I’m still learning and I might repeat some mistakes, the thing is, most of the circumstances have changed. 

Ok, before my eyes are closing again, I better finish off this post.

Good night everyone.

life in between

I have to sleeping beauties lying down behind snoring their way away. Between all my thought catching tries yesterday and today, I found myself observing my son developing his own mind, making his own decision. The best part is always when he comes and grabs my hand and we go somewhere. But yesterday he just grabbed my hand and then he paused thinking deeply. Here I wished I could read his thoughts … was it fear, uncertainty or I just want to hold mum’s hand? Those moments make it all worth it, I mean being a parent.

Today’s thought catching got a hug distraction by work … busy as we start a new year, new projects and unfortunately still so much left over from last year. Anyway, here some of the thought from today and still some from yesterday:

  • What’s the point of jewellery? People without jewellery just don’t know how to express themselves or do they don’t need to express themselves or are they not worth it. Or do they just value things in life differently?
  • humiliation is against human rights … so I think the public statement of various companies in local newspaper that a particular person (named and pictured) is not employed at this company anymore etc is humiliation and has to stop. I understand the side of the company, however this issue is an issue between the company and that particular person. The company has no right to make the life of that person even more harder by publicly humiliating her/him. Just saying … will I have the courage to repot to the Human Rights Commission?
  • Maybe some thoughts are meant to be lost, just to be found again … like a deja vu
  • There is something bothering me with that human needs pyramid from Maslow. Somehow I bring it in connection with living standards. Humans can adapt to everything. You can live in a mansion but also in a tin house, you just adapt. What’s the difference? The standard you set yourself? But what if I am ok with a tin house and my basic need of shelter is covered. And I put my prioritise more on the esteem and belong level. Ok, this thought is definitely not finished and might be even discussed with other, someone who knows what I am talking about. (Hard to find these day … I feel sometimes like an hermit)
  • That is something I am not really proud of, but I couldn’t find a solution yet. Like being judgemental. For example I am seeing someone, and I immediately make up my opinion, kind of the effect of the first impression. Of course it is not right, but how do you prevent this? The bad thing is that my thoughts are sometimes nasty and/or sarcastic. I am sorry, but a nose ring just reminds me of a bull’s nose ring … I don’t see any beauty in that. Prejudice? Probably. I just stop it? How? One of the things I am trying is controlling my mind with meditation. It is a long process, but will see. Might sounds bad, but hey … I need something to laugh as well, hehe
  • I am so not into following the flow, I mean the group pressure. If everyone loves something, I am mostly dislike it. Not because I want to be different, it is because I really don’t like it. For example another women’s hairstyle … everyone is praising it on facebook and I think for myself WTH did she do to herself. I know I have to be careful what I am saying and sometimes even what I am not saying. But I also feel guilty by not saying anything. I guess there are things you can say and other things you should not say … might have to check on that list.
  • When a disaster hits, is nature telling us something? We build earthquake-safe houses, soundproofed windows … so are we preventing nature to communicate with us? Shouldn’t we feel the wind and the rain? We are encapsulate ourselves away from nature. Something that needs more thought.

Looks like a lot, but these things keep my mind busy all day. I haven’t even mentioned all the recipes and projects I want to try, because I want to have a healthy sustainable life. So better to be on paper. Oh, and did I do the tamarind yesterday? No, hubby said to relax … I have to admit the weather is not helping either these days.

Time to knock off now … still have to pack my lunch!
Love my boys

thought catcher

I have to solve one issue. How to capture all the thoughts I have. Most of the time I don’t have pen and paper or the computer handy or it is one short thought, one short phrase and I am afraid I won’t be able to turn it into a nice complete blog post. Just do it? I guess so … just no one tells me that, so I tell myself now:

You have a thought, try to put it down somewhere, where you find it and we can elaborate on that later. You need to practise!

The lost of a thought, that excited me before is something I don’t want to experience too often. Every thought is worth be written down to be remembered, to be re-thought, to have the value evolved and given more time so new baby thoughts can come out of it, enriching our world. (wow … well said! 😛 )

Next how to capture that actual idea or thought? Mobile is still too slow for me, pen and paper it is. And on the PC I should have Evernote open, so I can just open it at home and checked what I thought about during the day and maybe there will be some posts coming out of it.

The thoughts I remember from today are:

  • plant tamarind trees as compound border
  • peel more tamarind
  • back to work tomorrow
  • peel more tamarind
  • and the day is not over yet 🙂

Ok … I better go and peel some tamarind … as I said earlier … action is louder than words!

Love my boys!