Category Archives: physical

choices of words

Thoughts of the day (edited):
– managed yoga and a bit of watering of the garden …Luckily soil still wet from the night
– Banana smoothie with poi and mother of all herbs
– What is with those people who are permanently on the phone? What the heck are they talking about all the time? Maybe other people are talking what I am thinking. Could be the similar amount, hehehe
– with I could spend hours just learning … so many interesting things.
– I hardly get any sleep these days, as I want to do so much … yes, I have created willpower, I just have to stick to it
– You can’t just come and dump your stuff in here.
– I want to fill those tables asap, so I can start writing stories around it. Might ask My mentor for some statistical input, like significance.
– edx .. I am excited about my certificate.
– B1G1 for our organisation – suggestion letter
– Man, I want to do so much
– too tired at home … as soon as I rest at home … the body crashes, missing out on learning and a bit more action
– people I would like to come to our organization:
– Paul Dunn
– Tyler Tolman
– Don Tolman

The changes that you go through because of meditation are invisible changes, but you yourself will feel it. When you write your diary you will be able to see what has been happening.
Kamlesh D. Patel, Designing Destiny (2nd edn., 2016, unpublished), p. 0

Have turned the yoga into kind of a routine for the morning. Still need some work but it becomes a habit slowly. Maybe I should describe a bit more about the sequence I’m doing. This way I maybe start feeling it.

Love having my banana smoothie in the morning. Unfortunately I can’t have it everyday, as fruits are not available all the time at the shop. That means we have to plant more orchards then. The recipe for the smoothie: 4 cooled bananas, one soft date, a couple of leaves of poi and ,other of all herbs … Blended all up and enjoy!

Some people are born with phones on their ears. They hang out with the phone the same way they would hang out with a friend, same body language. How would you feel when you walk with a friend and she is on the phone all the way? Being ignored? Maybe I’m just jealous that no one is calling me ( the opposite is actually the case).. I’m just wondering what they talk about … What do hey have to tell to each other? Or the other woman I see every morning going to work … always on the phone.

My new playground for a little while now … So much to learn. Still would be better if I could apply all the stuff I’m learning. Baby boy sometimes not sleeping before 11pm … and I’m still trying to at least go through one lesson. So, baby steps for me here … but it is happening. Not to forget to mention how tired I can be, because I want too get so many things done. I need to find a balance, otherwise I will collapse.

I won’t elaborate more on the comment with dumping stuff here. It is not the place to judge someone and his action. I know and I have shared this already, judging is my weakness. So better I leave it like this before I chose the wrong words, because I am too naive and say what other people think.

B1G1 stands for buy one give one and I am seeing this as a good opportunity for our organization. Will try to write down as a suggestion. Imagine Paul Dunn coming to Paul … People would hang on his lips. Same with the Tolman boys .. Would love to have them visit our compound.

Time to do one lesson.

Good night


Lack of sleep

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • unsocial me is coming out … accepting compromises so I can avoid people
  • some work is very time-consuming; especially frustrating when it is low priority work
  • Getting into the yoga habbit, but still struggling to avoid black tea with sugar in the morning; would be easier if there were any fruits at home.
  • yeah, another email from mentor … with sooooo many questions
  • metabolism still not back to normal, as I am now on 150mg thyroxin – still too slow
  • I am getting kind of upset when I am not able to attend even my online courses, however I did manage to write email to my cousin … but then I got soooo tired. Remember I am sleeping less than 6 hours every day.
  • Someone is obese and people say, that they look beautiful … what do they mean? The look or the person? Surely she might be a beautiful person inside, but she is still obese?
  • Why do I feel humiliated when they laugh about me? Or do they laugh at me? What’s the difference?
  • I am very disappointed in the German magazine Spiegel and Stern. Jungle camp in the top news? Is this what the nation has to know? Also, everytime you see at least one nude or nude-like pictures on their websites.
  • Yeahhhh, Daddy is back from fishin 🙂
  • inconsistency in writing the blog/journal
  • hubby busy in the garden, happy he is doing his part
  • If really everything grows what we have planted … whew … so much eggplant and pawpaw

So, it hump day and Daddy decided to come home from fishing … yummy, lolo fish … my favourite. Thank goodness for coconuts. But it also brings another hand for the garden. We did quite some clean up done and I could focus on planting and transplanting. As I said, if everything fruits what we have planted … I better open up a market stall right in front of my house.

There are moments where my introvert behaviour is very dominant. I avoid people. So what am I afraid of? They would say something, and then I might not understand it … the most awful feeling, for me at least. But what I need to work on extremely hard is not being judgmental. Very painful path for me. I am sure there is plenty more coming about that issue.

Work, I don’t like that word anymore. Because we need to understand that if we love what we do and we do what we love … this is not work. I have been giving the opportunity to only work on one thing, highest priority. However, other things come up, a kere kere here and a kere kere there. They know exactly it gets done. And yes, I love doing those things as well. So, I need to train our staff to be more independent and to not call my name for minor things. Good thing is I am in conversation with my mentor. And to work on that project, I really need to focus, put my mind into it. So sometimes I wish I had my own little corner where I could hide and do my work.

I am close to be on track with my thyroid again and the supplements. However, I have still in my mind to fix my thyroid just with the right food. Don’t come and tell me you have to eat fish. This I know … that’s not what is wrong with my thyroid. That’s another long story. I am still blaming my tiredness on the thyroid … too long under-functioned. Yes, I enjoyed the time where I was quite a bit hyper, but the side effects are just too dangerous. Being tired, is not helping when it comes to do some homework or evening school … my eyes are literally closing by itself. I am not allowed to lie down, I will fall asleep. Very challenging, especially when I want to put my baby boy to bed. ok, ok, ok … we leave it here. Will see how we go in the next couple of days.

Beautiful is a tricky word for me. And I just had to learn that a person can be beautiful from the inside. As I have mentioned above, I tend easily to judge people. So, excuse my words or when I hurt you … it is not the purpose of this note. I need to learn to observe myself. Every person has his/her own opinion about being beautiful. Yes, I am struggling with it when an obviously obese person get told she is a beautiful person. A person that is obviously unfit and unhealthy, is hurting him or herself and their families. That’s not nice, is it? So taking a picture, with a fancy dress and a piece of cake in front of you, doesn’t make you look beautiful (my thinking). This is just bitter irony. So, why can people comment on such a picture “oh, you look so beautiful”? I am sorry, I don’t get it. Maybe it is all about having fake friends to boost you confidence, I don’t know.

I am trying to keep up with the German news and so from time to time I have a look at the online magazine Der Spiegel und Der Stern. But what I see there is very disappointed. Jungle camp … a very low level TV show is listed up as one of the top stories. Really? Is this what this nation needs at the moment? Maybe I have spent already too much time with religious and spiritual people here in Fiji, but the nudity in both magazine is getting a bit too much for my taste. I need to change my source of information.

Whew, plenty of information and plenty of things to think about and change. Go for it!

Backyard gardening is happening

Today’s thoughts (edited):
– 5:30am woke up with baby boy … yeah! straight to Upin & Ipin, his and my favorite cartoon
– one mug of lemon grass tee
– watered the pawpaw plants
– made pancakes with bananas, poi, egg, backing powder, flour, in coconut oil … Not very solid, but at least I’ve tried
– yoga done
– yeah, got some tamole seeds + custard apple seeds
– nothing to think about
– yes, Mentor is in …
– I kind of enjoy the gardening part … hopefully it will pay off
– go back to R!!!
– Au taleitaka na panekeke vita china
– coffee is not helping, is it?
– and I heard it again again … “we can’t do over hours, we have our menses (doooh_)”
– Transplanted more pawpaw and egg plant and cabbage
– Watered whole garden
– Plenty lemon grass tea in the evening after one cup of black tea with sugar

Reviewing my notes, I had a pretty good day. I’m especially proud of the progress made in out garden. From day to day one might not be able to see the difference, but looking back where we have started, it looks pretty amazing and I hope we can harvest the fruits of our work.

Yeah, the black tea input especially with sugar has to be reduced. So I am on to lemongrass tea. My only worry is where will I get my quick energy from, as coffee doesn’t really seem to work anymore. This permanent tiredness starts to worry me.
Yes, I have the confirmation from a me or that she is on board again. Please universe (or lord or however you call yourself), give me the skills, knowledge and courage to publish this particular paper. It will open us so many other doors.

I can’t really grasp the issue of some women with the female period. I’m a woman myself and I have this issue every freaking month. Are there things I can’t do during that time? No. I sometimes even forget that I have my menses. Sure, every women is different, every menses is different. But seriously, almost every woman I know here in Fiji, and I’m close enough to talk about such issues, is complaining about her menses. She has her menses, she can’t do this exercise or she can’t do over hours. I will monitor this for a bit more and then I might raise that issue. Otherwise it will keep me busy thinking about it.

And there is still the hope that I will learn to speak Fijian on day. I’ve realized that I won’t learn it at home. So, will keep asking people at work and maybe my son will pick it up. Until then I’m relying on the technical terms from JICA, haha.

Go back to R. Oh man, how much I wish I would be fluent R by now. It would came pretty handy. But as usual I’m learning the hard way. Thanks to …. I’m on that platform as much as I can, because I want to learn and understand. Even better if I could apply all that too.

Ok, enough talking … Still want to do some edx.

Stay safe people!


Back to nature almost

Thoughts of the day (edited)

  • Got up early to water the garden and transplant pawpaw, cabbage and egg plant
  • Breakfast with mango-banana smoothy
  • Second breakfast oats, milk with banana
  • Lunch: rice and fried bele and poi in coconut oil, left over for dinner
  • sweeping and mopping
  • used our fireplace to cook first time … big learning
  • trying to finish a work document, but I am soooo tired
  • shared one ice cream with Franz and bought some biscuits
  • 2 cups of black tea with sugar

The main idea was to get up early and water the garden, and then go back to bed to baby boy. But my boy made a plan without me and woke up, when I just finished watering the garden. Anyway, we had 2 healthy breakfasts … played lots of things and we had fun. Just the 2 of us … perfect mother-son-bonding.

He decided to even give me plenty of time to clean up the house a bit during his morning nap. As I am hardly home, it was my first time to mop the house … yes, I did enjoy it 🙂

Before Mark went fishing, he made sure that the fireplace is ready to use. And I did try and succeeded … all the cooking happened on the fireplace. No other option, as the gas cylinder was empty anyway, hehe.

Baby boy and I decided to go for a walk in the afternoon. So we walked all the way to the shop, which is quite a distance for an almost 1.5 year old. So he deserved an icecream, I thought. Half way back home, he felt asleep on my shoulders. Not easy to carry additional 11kg around.

At night I managed to get the main things done for the work document so I just need to do smaller editing at work next morning. However, it costed me 2 cups of black tea with sugar, so that I won’t fall asleep, as I was quite tired.

Baby boy and I had a great Sunday, although we missed daddy!

Culture issues

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • how to meditate?
  • if I could find time for meditation … plan it! get up early!
  • does having your menses changes your life for the time?
  • learn Fijian language and culture
  • what is my culture?
  • step up or stay in the comfort zone?
  • is that being selfish?
  • work, work, work = live, live, live

Meditation has been a subject in my life for the last 10 years. It started with a yoga-meditation course in Brisbane back in 2006. Oh, actually, we did some meditation already during my last year at Uni in Freising, Germany, 2004/2005. That was the first time when I had to try to think about nothing 🤔

So the question how to meditate is somehow superfluous. It only means after more than 10 years I still haven’t managed to get into it seriously. The issues I have are time and sleepiness. Surely I could get up early in the morning, but trying to meditate and I’m back to sleep again. I know I will keep trying. In the mean time I have taken up yoga, a good stretch in the morning to get the blood and the lymphatic system going. On top of that there is more about meditation than just sitting down and trying to think about nothing.

The menses issue. I can get very upset when girls or women tell me they can’t do this or that because they have their menses. This and that could be a kind of exercise, some kind of work. I would understand being in a bad mood, because that’s what happens to me. Kind of “don’t talk to me today”. Ok, our monthly period might have different meanings to different women of various cultures. And also, it might feel different from woman to woman. Do you see the period as a weakness? Why does it hold you back? Most men would probably freak out losing that much blood. Like pregnancy, it is not a disease … So what’s the drama? 

The different cultures here in Fiji was a hot topic today at work. It was all about, misunderstanding and misinterpretation, sending the wrong signals and receiving different signals. There is so much more to the Fijian culture than what you see and get on the tourist level. Living with a Fijian husband and babysitter, you would think I get it. Far from it. I guess I will have to live with it, but I will make therefore to learn culture and language.

On the other hand it opened up the question what is my culture? There is a gap for me and I would have to dig very deep. 

The comfort zone … Can be exciting when just arrived but after a while you surely get bored. So, finding an alternative is almost a must. Surely it is selfish. Stop typing here and go to bed is just another husband. 

Enough said … Very tired


As soon as I lay down, I fall asleep. And sometimes baby boy still running around. Who to blame? Of course myself, but also the permanent change of dosage of my medication. 

I had found the right dosage  and stuck to it for years. However, i wanted to find out whether my body can heal itself, when I just eat the right things. I still believe us human beings can do that. For me just the circumstances run a bit out of control, like leaving the country, marriage, new job, new life and baby boy. 

Now I feel like I need to start from scratch. Get the right dosage and get your life sorted. Then we can talk again.

As already listed in the last post, I really want to get things done, personally and at work. And at the moment things are quite overwhelming. Though, I am getting baby steps done. I guess I can’t see the changes until I have done a couple more baby steps. Additionally, there are still too many steps backwards. And if I or we could sort them out, that would be just wonderful. What are those steps backwards? Here some examples as I see it today:

  • Lack of planning
  • Lack of discipline
  • Lack of goal setting ( to a degree)

Big issue, but we have to tackle them slowly. I’m still learning and I might repeat some mistakes, the thing is, most of the circumstances have changed. 

Ok, before my eyes are closing again, I better finish off this post.

Good night everyone.

lost thoughts

oh man, lost 2 days of thoughts … I could blame the software I am using. Anyway, will see what I can recall. I remember it was a roller-coaster of thoughts and emotions again.
How messages are received is kind of out of our control. We can mean it in a good way, just focussing on getting the message out and keeping it short, and the person receiving it, sees the lack of information and feels hurt and not appreciated. Wrong timing and mis-interpretation and tension evolves. Have been there and done that. Can I learn from it? Only what is in my control zone, and that might be timing and prioritizing. Hope not to make that mistake again.
I don’t like being tired. During the day I should be awake and do whatever I want to do. Sure you can have low times, but not everyday. I want to feel pumped and energized, excited about the things I am doing. Things I have to change is food, drink more water and movement. And then there is thing with the medication. I know I am on a low dose, but can I train my mind to live with that?
Sometimes it just comes out … the talk behind the back. Especially when I am in rage. So here I need to learn to control myself. I am aware that being sarcastic is somehow in my blood … but it can and will backfire. And I really don’t need that.
Finally we can use the iPad at home again … more options to write for me. That the internet is down for some days, that another story, hahah! Anyway, the plan is to stay on track with my thought catching daily journal … sure I lost some day, but that is not holding me back to keep going.
Some thoughts will be of course work related … but those I don’t want to discuss and evolve here. For those I need another platform (good idea by the way).
Let’s keep it short for this post … it’s already too late.

Stay safe!

Guilty of being sick

Last night it just hit me. I was already aware of the right side sinusitis. But a middle ear infection came up in a quite painful way. That means for 9 days I had water in my ear and I was not aware of it. I didn’t have any problem at the beach, no problem the whole last week, just the sinusitis coming up. Anyway, I’m on antibiotics and painkiller now, and those are needed. 

One other thing that could have led to this state is my selflessness. Always the others first, baby, hubby and house. I knew I was sick, but I didn’t do anything about it. Could have drunk more water, drunk more herbal tea, eat healthier, use mother of all herbs as medicine. I felt exhausted and obliged to the guests. It was Christmas Eve and Christmas Day after all. 

Looks like today the first day without a smoke after a long period of time. Smoking? Yes, because it gives me 5-10 minutes for myself. 10 minutes where I can sort myself out and get my focus back, that’s how stressed I am, possibly burnt out. But what about this meditation thing? Not something I can do at home. I introduced yoga instead. I started a nice routine in the morning, but had a break during the Christmas holidays. So will see how fast I can get back on track. 

Ok, let’s rest this night and hope all liquid will come out over night. Awful feeling, especially when it cracks. Fingers crossed the painkillers will do the rest. 


Sickness shutdown

When sickness hits my body, I’m not a social person at all. And I’m already not very social in normal state. It’s getting tricky to look after myself when deadlines at work are coming up and you have a son waking up at 11:30pm for almost 3 hours. And then in the morning when I need to get up, everyone is sleeping. So not fair.
My thyroid is also playing up, so that might have an effect as well. I’m not eating much, just trying to stay hydrated with plenty of water and tea.
Yesterday I’ve told the landlord that we are moving. No way back anymore. Our nanny is happy to stay with us. Hopefully we can make the most out of it.
See when I’m sick I don’t feel like doing anything, not even writing a post. One way of healing, just shutting everything down.
So, almost at work. Just thinking of when I will post when I’m not using the minibus anymore.
Love my boys!
Peace out!

Back to the basics

iliotibial-band-syndromeThe accident that happen a couple of days ago didn’t seem to have any major effects on me till Sunday. For almost 2 days now I’m in major pain for me outside upper left leg. Something must have shifted. I can’t put any weight on my leg, so walking and climbing stairs are kind of a nightmare at the moment. Even touching the pelvis there is very painful, a possible inflammation. The most annoying part is the resting pain, I can hardly sleep.
So, what to do? My quadriceps and my glutes need the usual massage to learn to relax. The hammies need some stretching too. Our Physiotherapist at work can give me daily massages (yes I know, what a luxury). This morning I didn’t do any stretching at home, bad girl. Let’s see what else we can do to this muscles and tendons.

Back to work. Miss my boys. They will be training our new housegirl today. Hopefully they have fun.

Peace out!