Category Archives: social

this is hunting me somehow

Where does that negativity in me comes from? And I am not even aware of it. What I say and how I react, other people receive it as negativity. I am just trying to be true, honest and do the right thing … but the world receives it the other way around.
So, what to do? I have googled the topic and found some good points. But at the end there is still the issue, that I am not aware of it. Same thing is with people saying that I am complaining, where I intend just to say the facts. Here are the things I might have to look at myself:

  • Stop thinking in extremes
  • Stop over-generalizing the negative
  • Don’t minimize the positive
  • Stop mindreading
  • Stop taking all the responsibility
  • Stop forcing your own rules on life
  • Stop making things up and believing it

That are good points. (taken from ).

I like that comment too:

Look at how much control and influence you really have over things that you tend to think negatively about.

I guess I mostly have different expectation and I am wondering why people don’t think like me. All this behavior seems to make my own life difficult.
So, I have plenty of things still to learn, probably mostly to un-learn, change of habits. Sure, I could defend my behaviour, but what for?

It’s up to me again. Think before you react. Calm down when things get hectic. If I want to archive my goal(s) I better try to put my love and happiness into my life. I have started some procedures already, but surely it takes time.

I have to keep up the discipline and the commitment.


Long time no write

yep, Winston did strike and isolated us for a couple of weeks … power and some kind of normality is back now. But still more things to sort out.
My first cyclone … and right away the strongest ever recorded here in Fiji. Not an experience I want to share or wish anyone. We were lucky … the house stood still. But the trees around us got quite some damage. Luckily none of them damaged our house.
Good reminder as well to value the basic things of life. Shelter, Food, water, Family … how could we forget all that in such a short time? Human race is quite spoiled. I guess if we would look after each other more and value simple things again … lot of unnecessary death, war and hate could be avoided.
The challenge is now to come out of it much stronger and smarter, but that’s why it is called a “challenge”. There is only that much we can do ourselves … but at least we should do what’s possible ourselves and not wait for other to give, donate and share. yes of course donations are welcome and highly needed. However, we should not waste time and wait for help. Surely, you can find always something to do … then do it. Make sure it helps you and your community to grow.

I will try to be back online here for several reasons … to clear my mind, to train my writing style and to show the world that I have a voice too.

I decide to be happy and am doing it with love.

choices of words

Thoughts of the day (edited):
– managed yoga and a bit of watering of the garden …Luckily soil still wet from the night
– Banana smoothie with poi and mother of all herbs
– What is with those people who are permanently on the phone? What the heck are they talking about all the time? Maybe other people are talking what I am thinking. Could be the similar amount, hehehe
– with I could spend hours just learning … so many interesting things.
– I hardly get any sleep these days, as I want to do so much … yes, I have created willpower, I just have to stick to it
– You can’t just come and dump your stuff in here.
– I want to fill those tables asap, so I can start writing stories around it. Might ask My mentor for some statistical input, like significance.
– edx .. I am excited about my certificate.
– B1G1 for our organisation – suggestion letter
– Man, I want to do so much
– too tired at home … as soon as I rest at home … the body crashes, missing out on learning and a bit more action
– people I would like to come to our organization:
– Paul Dunn
– Tyler Tolman
– Don Tolman

The changes that you go through because of meditation are invisible changes, but you yourself will feel it. When you write your diary you will be able to see what has been happening.
Kamlesh D. Patel, Designing Destiny (2nd edn., 2016, unpublished), p. 0

Have turned the yoga into kind of a routine for the morning. Still need some work but it becomes a habit slowly. Maybe I should describe a bit more about the sequence I’m doing. This way I maybe start feeling it.

Love having my banana smoothie in the morning. Unfortunately I can’t have it everyday, as fruits are not available all the time at the shop. That means we have to plant more orchards then. The recipe for the smoothie: 4 cooled bananas, one soft date, a couple of leaves of poi and ,other of all herbs … Blended all up and enjoy!

Some people are born with phones on their ears. They hang out with the phone the same way they would hang out with a friend, same body language. How would you feel when you walk with a friend and she is on the phone all the way? Being ignored? Maybe I’m just jealous that no one is calling me ( the opposite is actually the case).. I’m just wondering what they talk about … What do hey have to tell to each other? Or the other woman I see every morning going to work … always on the phone.

My new playground for a little while now … So much to learn. Still would be better if I could apply all the stuff I’m learning. Baby boy sometimes not sleeping before 11pm … and I’m still trying to at least go through one lesson. So, baby steps for me here … but it is happening. Not to forget to mention how tired I can be, because I want too get so many things done. I need to find a balance, otherwise I will collapse.

I won’t elaborate more on the comment with dumping stuff here. It is not the place to judge someone and his action. I know and I have shared this already, judging is my weakness. So better I leave it like this before I chose the wrong words, because I am too naive and say what other people think.

B1G1 stands for buy one give one and I am seeing this as a good opportunity for our organization. Will try to write down as a suggestion. Imagine Paul Dunn coming to Paul … People would hang on his lips. Same with the Tolman boys .. Would love to have them visit our compound.

Time to do one lesson.

Good night


Lack of sleep

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • unsocial me is coming out … accepting compromises so I can avoid people
  • some work is very time-consuming; especially frustrating when it is low priority work
  • Getting into the yoga habbit, but still struggling to avoid black tea with sugar in the morning; would be easier if there were any fruits at home.
  • yeah, another email from mentor … with sooooo many questions
  • metabolism still not back to normal, as I am now on 150mg thyroxin – still too slow
  • I am getting kind of upset when I am not able to attend even my online courses, however I did manage to write email to my cousin … but then I got soooo tired. Remember I am sleeping less than 6 hours every day.
  • Someone is obese and people say, that they look beautiful … what do they mean? The look or the person? Surely she might be a beautiful person inside, but she is still obese?
  • Why do I feel humiliated when they laugh about me? Or do they laugh at me? What’s the difference?
  • I am very disappointed in the German magazine Spiegel and Stern. Jungle camp in the top news? Is this what the nation has to know? Also, everytime you see at least one nude or nude-like pictures on their websites.
  • Yeahhhh, Daddy is back from fishin 🙂
  • inconsistency in writing the blog/journal
  • hubby busy in the garden, happy he is doing his part
  • If really everything grows what we have planted … whew … so much eggplant and pawpaw

So, it hump day and Daddy decided to come home from fishing … yummy, lolo fish … my favourite. Thank goodness for coconuts. But it also brings another hand for the garden. We did quite some clean up done and I could focus on planting and transplanting. As I said, if everything fruits what we have planted … I better open up a market stall right in front of my house.

There are moments where my introvert behaviour is very dominant. I avoid people. So what am I afraid of? They would say something, and then I might not understand it … the most awful feeling, for me at least. But what I need to work on extremely hard is not being judgmental. Very painful path for me. I am sure there is plenty more coming about that issue.

Work, I don’t like that word anymore. Because we need to understand that if we love what we do and we do what we love … this is not work. I have been giving the opportunity to only work on one thing, highest priority. However, other things come up, a kere kere here and a kere kere there. They know exactly it gets done. And yes, I love doing those things as well. So, I need to train our staff to be more independent and to not call my name for minor things. Good thing is I am in conversation with my mentor. And to work on that project, I really need to focus, put my mind into it. So sometimes I wish I had my own little corner where I could hide and do my work.

I am close to be on track with my thyroid again and the supplements. However, I have still in my mind to fix my thyroid just with the right food. Don’t come and tell me you have to eat fish. This I know … that’s not what is wrong with my thyroid. That’s another long story. I am still blaming my tiredness on the thyroid … too long under-functioned. Yes, I enjoyed the time where I was quite a bit hyper, but the side effects are just too dangerous. Being tired, is not helping when it comes to do some homework or evening school … my eyes are literally closing by itself. I am not allowed to lie down, I will fall asleep. Very challenging, especially when I want to put my baby boy to bed. ok, ok, ok … we leave it here. Will see how we go in the next couple of days.

Beautiful is a tricky word for me. And I just had to learn that a person can be beautiful from the inside. As I have mentioned above, I tend easily to judge people. So, excuse my words or when I hurt you … it is not the purpose of this note. I need to learn to observe myself. Every person has his/her own opinion about being beautiful. Yes, I am struggling with it when an obviously obese person get told she is a beautiful person. A person that is obviously unfit and unhealthy, is hurting him or herself and their families. That’s not nice, is it? So taking a picture, with a fancy dress and a piece of cake in front of you, doesn’t make you look beautiful (my thinking). This is just bitter irony. So, why can people comment on such a picture “oh, you look so beautiful”? I am sorry, I don’t get it. Maybe it is all about having fake friends to boost you confidence, I don’t know.

I am trying to keep up with the German news and so from time to time I have a look at the online magazine Der Spiegel und Der Stern. But what I see there is very disappointed. Jungle camp … a very low level TV show is listed up as one of the top stories. Really? Is this what this nation needs at the moment? Maybe I have spent already too much time with religious and spiritual people here in Fiji, but the nudity in both magazine is getting a bit too much for my taste. I need to change my source of information.

Whew, plenty of information and plenty of things to think about and change. Go for it!


yes, I am running late with today’s post. But I want to show commitment and here we go, today’s post with today’s collected thoughts. (Maybe not as intensive as yesterday’s ones).

I am surprised to be so active, although my thyroid is in slow mode … even my dose is too low, but we want to see how I go. So far so good.

Most of today’s thoughts were triggered by an very angry email I have received this morning. What would you do if the person doesn’t believe you what you say and even claims that you run away. (I haven’t even left Earth yet, and I am not planning to) Fiji is still reachable for everyone. Anyway, today’s thoughts with comments were:

  • After a long time, I have done my own breakfast with bananas and mother of all herbs leaves … add a bit of water and blend it up. So yummy and refreshing. Hopefully can make it a routine! (Now that everything is growing in our garden!)
  • Imagine people come and offer you help. However, you don’t see the need to ask for help as you can manage more or less by yourself, because you know you can. But still, they come and help out. And then they expect something in return. Hey, I didn’t ask for the help … why do I feel betrayed? Sure, it is a nice move of them, but … No but? Do I have to accept every help? Or is it because I find it hard to share or give back? I am a single child after all. No solution for that issue yet, but it is bothering me for a while now and it might put me in bigger problems.
  • The above issue makes me feel guilty again and I start putting myself down. NOT HELPING! Where to start? Forgiving myself and others sounds like a plan. That means I need to find time and space to do the actual action of forgiving. Mostly I try to pray or meditate over it. I guess it is just a question of time … so just keep doing gurl!
  • I have read a quote today in facebook about removing the toxic people out of your life. Sure, sounds easy, but what if they keep coming back and keep bothering and blaming you? Then forgiving and forgetting seems to be impossible. At the end it depends how I react to their action. I decide how I feel about it. Don’t let other people trigger your mood.
  • Bohhh, we run out of tamarind at work … how could this happen? And where I live, tamarind is kind of everywhere. Just need to find the people who will shake the trees and collect the beans and peel them and pit the seeds. It’s not the big money … it’s the bulk which should be attractive. And I am lacking time! What can we do to utilize the situation. Send husband and son to collect tamarind? Get neighbours daughter to climb up the tree and shake it, so I just need to collect it? The more people involved the more we have to share the profit. Oh, don’t be sooo selfish. I love the whole process and I will keep doing it. I just need the idea and strategy how to bring it to the next level. Just by myself is not working.

Ok, better head off to bed … running very late here. Have a good night people. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start!

Love my boys


integral-area… at work yes, at home … I am struggling. There are lot of things I have adapted to, but some habits or manners … it’s not working with me (yet). Those kind of habits are sharing, asking for help, Grog (to an extent).
Sharing food is just something that wouldn’t come to my mind. Everyone around me would share their lunch or snacks, even with me … but do you think I offer mine? This idea is not popping up in my head. Either this option just doesn’t exist or there is a missing trigger. Obviously I haven’t tried hard enough yet and it is for sure not high on my priority list. But from time to time I am noticing this behavior. Then I try to offer, but I have the impression people don’t take food here from white people or they don’t like my cooking 😉 . So, I am not putting it up on my priority list or my resolutions for next year. However, I will keep monitoring it.
Asking for help … yeah, being raised as an independent women living by herself most of the years … I am not asking. Then people come and offer help. I accept it, but sometimes I really don’t want help and at that point it becomes annoying. Because then I feel obliged to give back the favour. The thing I wanted to avoid from the beginning. I think I need to resort my approach here. Now that I am writing it down it feels rude from my side. Sure, you always will have people that come and help and want something in return.But I want to look at it differently, so it doesn’t give my life this negative spin. Any suggestions or ideas?
Drinking Yaqona .. that’s Fiji. And yes, I am enjoying it from time to time. But I prefer to control it too, like I don’t want to drink grog every day. I don’t want to drink grog after midnight, especially during working days. I still get the feeling that I have better things to do than sitting there doing nothing … is that called socializing? Hahahaha!

Just my 2 cents for today … still missing a proper timing to get back to regularity on posting.

Love you all !

Peace out!

Just adapt

adapt smaller copy2Can you live without your phone, laptop, watch, car, partner or best friend? Things break from time to time, and some things meant to break, especially when the warranty is over! 😜 it’s not the end of the world. After a while we wonder how much we worried about it … But life moved on like nothing happened. It really shows what really matters. 

I left my bestie behind in Australia 2 years ago. Yes, still in contact, but surely I miss the face time with her. No bestie here yet … But life goes on. 

Phone finally died with lots and lots of data and info that were stored only on that phone. Couple of days no phone, then bought a less featured phone and I’m still alive! 

Sometimes I have the impression someone else is living my life. Everything I wanted to do she is doing. Jealous? Kind of … Can’t stop it. What am I gonna do about it? I try to adapt. I will live my life in such a way that I’m steering the wheel towards my goals. My goals are still the same … Little adjustments and corrections needed, but I’m heading there. Some goals I have achieved without noticing or acknowledging them. But it’s the end of the year soon … Time to reflect and adjust. 

I better get back to sleep … It’s 4:27am … Off peak internet only 😜 have to adapt for the rest of the month.

Peace out!

What’s up with that noise

Royalty-Free-Clip-Art-Illustration-Of-A-Micah-Mouse-Covering-His-Ears-10241058874Is there actually a firework that doesn’t sound like a war zone? Is it noisy on purpose? What’s the fun about that shooting sound? Or is it just me raised to be always aware of the enemy?
You got it … I don’t like fireworks. I believe the joy lies in silence. Noise is just a distraction again, a distraction from yourself, a blockage to work on yourself, creating the opposite of awareness, ignorance. A dangerous game. It’s like having different kind of pains, but we are aware only of the strongest one, as it covers all other pains. Same with noise. It attracts your attention and focus on that bang and boom, the outside world. It is noisier than your urge to work on yourself, the urge to find yourself, to make peCe with yourself.
You can say that we don’t have fireworks every day. Ok, but what about other kind of noise, such as radio, TV, movies, sports and white noise. Noise comes in all kind of shapes. Those shapes or forms could be light, audible noise, visible noise like ads, information noise, smell. It becomes dangerous when other people create noise that plays with your senses just to get your attention or distract you.
Sometimes I just want to sit down in silence. My way to get things done, to recharge.

After 1 noisy Diwali day I’m back at work.
Miss and love my boys!
Peace out!

Go green or stick to the law

carpool_02So, here is the story. I need transport to town every morning. The busses are either not on time or to irregular, therefore unreliable. Second option would be taking a cab and pay up to $5.00. Compared to the bus trip of $0.70 significant more expensive. Third option taking a return cab. How it works is a cab driver supposedly on his way back from a normal ride, picks up people from the street who want to go in the same direction, market for example. And every “hitchhiker” pays the fee as it would be a bus ride. So the cab driver gets 4 x $0.70 = $2.80 instead of $5.00 from one passenger.
It’s kind of wrong and right at the same time. The pros are:

  • driver can earn additional money when he is actually on his return trip
  • it’s cheaper for the passengers
  • quick money for cab drivers who don’t want to chase and wait for “normal” passengers
  • environmental friendly, because one car takes 4 passengers instead of 4 cars with one each
  • seem to be more frequent than busses

So, there is also a cont’s side to it:

  • it’s illegal
  • the driver decides where to drop you off
  • driver earns less money, when he could get paid almost double for the same trip

I’m sure both lists are not complete, that are the only points that came to my mind in this short time.

I really like the point that it is environmentally more friendly than normal cabs, taking the bus out of the equation. Of course normal cab drivers are angry about it. We should do something about it, to take the illegality away and to value more this kind of car pooling.

Let’s think about and do something about it!
Peace out!

A small recap

Happy anniversary to my home country Germany. It has been now 25 years that Germany is reunited. Time flies. History has been made, in a good and bad way.
My now chosen home is Fiji and they celebrate Fiji Day in one week’s time on the 10th of October. It is their 41st anniversary of independence from the UK. (I would celebrate that too) A different history and very different culture.
Here I am, 2015, on my way to a job I actually like. Not many people can say that. At home a husband and a little baby boy, actually not that little anymore. We are all healthy and happy.

Life is happening around and within us, enjoy the ride!

Peace out!