Category Archives: vocational

this is hunting me somehow

Where does that negativity in me comes from? And I am not even aware of it. What I say and how I react, other people receive it as negativity. I am just trying to be true, honest and do the right thing … but the world receives it the other way around.
So, what to do? I have googled the topic and found some good points. But at the end there is still the issue, that I am not aware of it. Same thing is with people saying that I am complaining, where I intend just to say the facts. Here are the things I might have to look at myself:

  • Stop thinking in extremes
  • Stop over-generalizing the negative
  • Don’t minimize the positive
  • Stop mindreading
  • Stop taking all the responsibility
  • Stop forcing your own rules on life
  • Stop making things up and believing it

That are good points. (taken from ).

I like that comment too:

Look at how much control and influence you really have over things that you tend to think negatively about.

I guess I mostly have different expectation and I am wondering why people don’t think like me. All this behavior seems to make my own life difficult.
So, I have plenty of things still to learn, probably mostly to un-learn, change of habits. Sure, I could defend my behaviour, but what for?

It’s up to me again. Think before you react. Calm down when things get hectic. If I want to archive my goal(s) I better try to put my love and happiness into my life. I have started some procedures already, but surely it takes time.

I have to keep up the discipline and the commitment.


only the allais paradox

Thoughts of the day (edited)

  • How can they be identical when you replaced values in the process? (see picture about the Allais Paradox
  • moment of panic = recall to focus

Allais paradox - how does it work?

I came across the paradox during my course on Behavioural Economics. I guess pure curiosity brought me to that course. Yes, it was interesting that there is even a science about our day to day stuff. This Allais Paradox is describing 2 different problems, where in problem A most human beings would chose option A and in problem B most human beings would chose option B. The author of that video did some minor changes to the options and it turns out to be the exact same problems (A=B), but humans are making different choices. But something in my is hesitating to accept that (I guess as usual, hehehe). I agree one can move around some variables and still have the same expression, but in this case the author actually change actual numbers, like replacing 123 with 389 in problem A and comparing it with 389 from problem B and conclude that is the same!

If you are interested have a look at the actual video and let me know if I am missing something.

Anyway, I might not find enough time to dig into it deeper … work pensum is increasing but I also need to learn to focus. Distraction is the least I need now if we want to make those publications happening.

busy the right way

Thoughts of the day (edited):
– yeah, it was raining last night, so we don’t need to water the garden
– did my yoga
– yes, I have my black tea in the morning but I also get my banana smoothie, as Mark brought some nice bananas
– bring on the new day … we will make it happen … love my life
– Loved the singing this morning : Sa qai rogo mai na domo
– during meditation I ended up somehow thinking about bloodtransfusion in Munich (Schwabinger Krankenhaus)
– love being busy, I just hope it is the right “being busy”
– Have to get smarter and set up process, especially when it comes to do data analysis … I am doing it the hard way
– Dschungelcamp … really? that is the top news in STERN?
– Novamind: free lite cloud version
– tiiiiiirrreeeeeeed
– those people … no interest in proper formatting
– please … get back on track with R
– yeah, just finished more R-exercise from week 1
– won’t be easy

I was happy to see some rain. It definitely makes things easier for us with those seedlings outline. For my morning routine I would love to have fresh fruits for smoothies, but unfortunately the shop can’t provide every day. One more reason to have them all ready in our own backyard. To wake up I need some kind of carbohydrates, and at the moment it is still black tea with some sugar. Any other choice?

During the day I really have some hyper time, where I feel I’m moving forward. Maybe it’s because of the worship
S we sing in the morning. Love it the Fijian way.

The whole data analysis and data entry process need to be more systemwide do, otherwise it becomes very tidies work. So R comes very handy. Every day one more step in the course. I can see modules coming up I really need for the latest paper.

I’m also trying other tools to free my mind, and the mind mapping tool Novamind comes handy, but also quite a distraction. So I better leave it for the time being.

I don’t mind helping people, but simple formatting should be a standard skill. I need them to look over my shoulder and learn.

Please universe be on my side during hard and easy times, take away all the worry and give me the courage to ask the right questions.

Sleeping time … moce!

Lack of sleep

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • unsocial me is coming out … accepting compromises so I can avoid people
  • some work is very time-consuming; especially frustrating when it is low priority work
  • Getting into the yoga habbit, but still struggling to avoid black tea with sugar in the morning; would be easier if there were any fruits at home.
  • yeah, another email from mentor … with sooooo many questions
  • metabolism still not back to normal, as I am now on 150mg thyroxin – still too slow
  • I am getting kind of upset when I am not able to attend even my online courses, however I did manage to write email to my cousin … but then I got soooo tired. Remember I am sleeping less than 6 hours every day.
  • Someone is obese and people say, that they look beautiful … what do they mean? The look or the person? Surely she might be a beautiful person inside, but she is still obese?
  • Why do I feel humiliated when they laugh about me? Or do they laugh at me? What’s the difference?
  • I am very disappointed in the German magazine Spiegel and Stern. Jungle camp in the top news? Is this what the nation has to know? Also, everytime you see at least one nude or nude-like pictures on their websites.
  • Yeahhhh, Daddy is back from fishin 🙂
  • inconsistency in writing the blog/journal
  • hubby busy in the garden, happy he is doing his part
  • If really everything grows what we have planted … whew … so much eggplant and pawpaw

So, it hump day and Daddy decided to come home from fishing … yummy, lolo fish … my favourite. Thank goodness for coconuts. But it also brings another hand for the garden. We did quite some clean up done and I could focus on planting and transplanting. As I said, if everything fruits what we have planted … I better open up a market stall right in front of my house.

There are moments where my introvert behaviour is very dominant. I avoid people. So what am I afraid of? They would say something, and then I might not understand it … the most awful feeling, for me at least. But what I need to work on extremely hard is not being judgmental. Very painful path for me. I am sure there is plenty more coming about that issue.

Work, I don’t like that word anymore. Because we need to understand that if we love what we do and we do what we love … this is not work. I have been giving the opportunity to only work on one thing, highest priority. However, other things come up, a kere kere here and a kere kere there. They know exactly it gets done. And yes, I love doing those things as well. So, I need to train our staff to be more independent and to not call my name for minor things. Good thing is I am in conversation with my mentor. And to work on that project, I really need to focus, put my mind into it. So sometimes I wish I had my own little corner where I could hide and do my work.

I am close to be on track with my thyroid again and the supplements. However, I have still in my mind to fix my thyroid just with the right food. Don’t come and tell me you have to eat fish. This I know … that’s not what is wrong with my thyroid. That’s another long story. I am still blaming my tiredness on the thyroid … too long under-functioned. Yes, I enjoyed the time where I was quite a bit hyper, but the side effects are just too dangerous. Being tired, is not helping when it comes to do some homework or evening school … my eyes are literally closing by itself. I am not allowed to lie down, I will fall asleep. Very challenging, especially when I want to put my baby boy to bed. ok, ok, ok … we leave it here. Will see how we go in the next couple of days.

Beautiful is a tricky word for me. And I just had to learn that a person can be beautiful from the inside. As I have mentioned above, I tend easily to judge people. So, excuse my words or when I hurt you … it is not the purpose of this note. I need to learn to observe myself. Every person has his/her own opinion about being beautiful. Yes, I am struggling with it when an obviously obese person get told she is a beautiful person. A person that is obviously unfit and unhealthy, is hurting him or herself and their families. That’s not nice, is it? So taking a picture, with a fancy dress and a piece of cake in front of you, doesn’t make you look beautiful (my thinking). This is just bitter irony. So, why can people comment on such a picture “oh, you look so beautiful”? I am sorry, I don’t get it. Maybe it is all about having fake friends to boost you confidence, I don’t know.

I am trying to keep up with the German news and so from time to time I have a look at the online magazine Der Spiegel und Der Stern. But what I see there is very disappointed. Jungle camp … a very low level TV show is listed up as one of the top stories. Really? Is this what this nation needs at the moment? Maybe I have spent already too much time with religious and spiritual people here in Fiji, but the nudity in both magazine is getting a bit too much for my taste. I need to change my source of information.

Whew, plenty of information and plenty of things to think about and change. Go for it!

Backyard gardening is happening

Today’s thoughts (edited):
– 5:30am woke up with baby boy … yeah! straight to Upin & Ipin, his and my favorite cartoon
– one mug of lemon grass tee
– watered the pawpaw plants
– made pancakes with bananas, poi, egg, backing powder, flour, in coconut oil … Not very solid, but at least I’ve tried
– yoga done
– yeah, got some tamole seeds + custard apple seeds
– nothing to think about
– yes, Mentor is in …
– I kind of enjoy the gardening part … hopefully it will pay off
– go back to R!!!
– Au taleitaka na panekeke vita china
– coffee is not helping, is it?
– and I heard it again again … “we can’t do over hours, we have our menses (doooh_)”
– Transplanted more pawpaw and egg plant and cabbage
– Watered whole garden
– Plenty lemon grass tea in the evening after one cup of black tea with sugar

Reviewing my notes, I had a pretty good day. I’m especially proud of the progress made in out garden. From day to day one might not be able to see the difference, but looking back where we have started, it looks pretty amazing and I hope we can harvest the fruits of our work.

Yeah, the black tea input especially with sugar has to be reduced. So I am on to lemongrass tea. My only worry is where will I get my quick energy from, as coffee doesn’t really seem to work anymore. This permanent tiredness starts to worry me.
Yes, I have the confirmation from a me or that she is on board again. Please universe (or lord or however you call yourself), give me the skills, knowledge and courage to publish this particular paper. It will open us so many other doors.

I can’t really grasp the issue of some women with the female period. I’m a woman myself and I have this issue every freaking month. Are there things I can’t do during that time? No. I sometimes even forget that I have my menses. Sure, every women is different, every menses is different. But seriously, almost every woman I know here in Fiji, and I’m close enough to talk about such issues, is complaining about her menses. She has her menses, she can’t do this exercise or she can’t do over hours. I will monitor this for a bit more and then I might raise that issue. Otherwise it will keep me busy thinking about it.

And there is still the hope that I will learn to speak Fijian on day. I’ve realized that I won’t learn it at home. So, will keep asking people at work and maybe my son will pick it up. Until then I’m relying on the technical terms from JICA, haha.

Go back to R. Oh man, how much I wish I would be fluent R by now. It would came pretty handy. But as usual I’m learning the hard way. Thanks to …. I’m on that platform as much as I can, because I want to learn and understand. Even better if I could apply all that too.

Ok, enough talking … Still want to do some edx.

Stay safe people!


where to start

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • Getting in kind of a morning routine here:
    • 5:30am get up
    • Watering garden
    • Yoga (Should do Yoga and prayers first thing in the morning, but I feel like I am risking to fall asleep again, if I don’t move)
    • black tea, sugar and crackers (so bad, but I need energy, and there were no bananas in the shop yesterdays)
    • listened to several prayers on Abide, but can’t really focus (can’t sit still in the morning)
    • prepared lunch on fireplace with help of Mere (same like yesterday’s dinner), fried Bele and poi and cucumber salad
  • Fear of failing and being told off
  • thoughts during morning meditation:
    • not deep breathing => not enough pressure to push oxygen from lungs capillary to blood capillary => low level of Oxygen bound to Hb
    • get things done … you start … you finish
  • OK, where to start
  • do I feel some kind of excitement coming up? Or is it just the usual “Monday let’s get into it” mood?
  • shall I put all this on my blog?
    • Yes … to stay accountable to myself
    • No … no better things to do?
  • Neujahrsgruesse to Tina
  • Bible verses and motivational quotations … print and laminate for home!
  • Note to myself: cucumber and coconut oil doesn’t go with each other! (maybe with VCO and dill and lemon)
  • how to stop being judgmental
  • selling veggies to the neighbour makes her feel bad (both have a job, why does she need to sell veggies?) … so kind of barter system instead

I can see that I start to note down my day-to-day activities. That’s not what this is meant to be used for. Thoughts only, ideas, maybe notes.
So please excuse my morning routine.
Interesting what comes up during morning quiet time, where I meant to think about nothing. Level of O2, CO2 and CO. I guess I just observed some kind of flat breathing in myself, as I am trying to listen to my breathing, so I am not getting distracted to other things.
The notes on top regarding “ok where to start”, graphs, excitement are all work-related. I really need to stick to the current willpower energy to get things done.
Being judgemental will be discussed during another project. Barter system is something I am thinking about already for some time. I might have to come up with a proposal and speak to the other women.

Damn, I’m really tired and won’t be able to finish this . My legs also start to be restless, not a nice feeling.

Somethings you do will never be appreciated.

bye, bye

willpower and co

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • fear of the answer
  • will power
  • Bill Gates video about farming
  • start reading papers to get into the “slang”

This fear, something could go wrong. You have tried to settle down, so you can focus on the future with your family, but then one wrong move, word or action … and it can be destroyed and you have to start from scratch somewhere else, maybe even with someone else. Ok, let’s not cry the wolf here. But having this fear, can very much hold you back in your potential, what you could achieve. Should we always have a plan B? That’s they they say you should do some saving for emergency, for just in case. But you know what, although we do savings, it has never reached the level of being sufficient, because I had to move and circumstances have changed too quickly. So yes, I am not sure how to fight this fear. Maybe only by really being me (again?) … do what you think you should do, be yourself … and people will question you, ridicule you and then copy you.

Willpower, something I have seen in me. With willpower, I have been raw foodist and run to the gym almost daily back in my Aussie days. Am I consistent? Not really. Yes for the food and gym back then, and the only person I had to be responsible was myself. Does willpower works when you are tired? For your own safety, sleep when you are tired!
I will appreciate more the little things I am doing on a daily basis.

This I think is very nice short video from Bill Gates:

What do you think?

It’s all not new, but you have to train your mind to talk the language you should be talking. I have to show the willpower now and look into those UN reports and check out all the charts. What’s the latest in agricultre? What the most “in” journal when it comes to development work?

Sorry, a bit short today … I am just sooo tired tonight.

Culture issues

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • how to meditate?
  • if I could find time for meditation … plan it! get up early!
  • does having your menses changes your life for the time?
  • learn Fijian language and culture
  • what is my culture?
  • step up or stay in the comfort zone?
  • is that being selfish?
  • work, work, work = live, live, live

Meditation has been a subject in my life for the last 10 years. It started with a yoga-meditation course in Brisbane back in 2006. Oh, actually, we did some meditation already during my last year at Uni in Freising, Germany, 2004/2005. That was the first time when I had to try to think about nothing 🤔

So the question how to meditate is somehow superfluous. It only means after more than 10 years I still haven’t managed to get into it seriously. The issues I have are time and sleepiness. Surely I could get up early in the morning, but trying to meditate and I’m back to sleep again. I know I will keep trying. In the mean time I have taken up yoga, a good stretch in the morning to get the blood and the lymphatic system going. On top of that there is more about meditation than just sitting down and trying to think about nothing.

The menses issue. I can get very upset when girls or women tell me they can’t do this or that because they have their menses. This and that could be a kind of exercise, some kind of work. I would understand being in a bad mood, because that’s what happens to me. Kind of “don’t talk to me today”. Ok, our monthly period might have different meanings to different women of various cultures. And also, it might feel different from woman to woman. Do you see the period as a weakness? Why does it hold you back? Most men would probably freak out losing that much blood. Like pregnancy, it is not a disease … So what’s the drama? 

The different cultures here in Fiji was a hot topic today at work. It was all about, misunderstanding and misinterpretation, sending the wrong signals and receiving different signals. There is so much more to the Fijian culture than what you see and get on the tourist level. Living with a Fijian husband and babysitter, you would think I get it. Far from it. I guess I will have to live with it, but I will make therefore to learn culture and language.

On the other hand it opened up the question what is my culture? There is a gap for me and I would have to dig very deep. 

The comfort zone … Can be exciting when just arrived but after a while you surely get bored. So, finding an alternative is almost a must. Surely it is selfish. Stop typing here and go to bed is just another husband. 

Enough said … Very tired

no media, no news

keep-calmI somehow cut myself short in media to post all the stuff that is happening. It is getting stuck in my head, however time is short, no platform and sometimes no data (internet). So, what to do? Lean back and find a solution. I really, really want to get the things out of my head to get things done and on paper.
I love what I am doing and I want to share with anyone … they might get something out of it.

so, I am stealing officially 5 working minutes to put this small post onto my blog. Communication seems to be my current main issue. Who to talk to when and how? Ideally, everyone should listen to my when I speak, heheh! 🙂 I feel like setting up my project book again, so I don’t loose any data. When I discover something, I feel like telling them now … so I knock on the door … as I am desperately waiting for advise or next order.

Project book it is? Thinking, thinking, thinking ….

Love my boys … hope hubby has a good trip out in sea.

Peace out!

Busy… Yaaar

little-miss-busyStressed? No, just busy with life. Work is fun, at home the boy is happy and husband out fishing. Still plenty of things are planned for this year, workwise and at home.
Having a housegirl or babysitter makes things much easier for me. I just need to implement some kind of routine. I still have my fitness and health goals, I’m not letting those go so easily.
Big mama-son weekend ahead. And we haven’t spoken to Oma & Opa for a while.
Ok, back to work for half a day.
Love my boys!
Peace out!