Back to nature almost

Thoughts of the day (edited)

  • Got up early to water the garden and transplant pawpaw, cabbage and egg plant
  • Breakfast with mango-banana smoothy
  • Second breakfast oats, milk with banana
  • Lunch: rice and fried bele and poi in coconut oil, left over for dinner
  • sweeping and mopping
  • used our fireplace to cook first time … big learning
  • trying to finish a work document, but I am soooo tired
  • shared one ice cream with Franz and bought some biscuits
  • 2 cups of black tea with sugar

The main idea was to get up early and water the garden, and then go back to bed to baby boy. But my boy made a plan without me and woke up, when I just finished watering the garden. Anyway, we had 2 healthy breakfasts … played lots of things and we had fun. Just the 2 of us … perfect mother-son-bonding.

He decided to even give me plenty of time to clean up the house a bit during his morning nap. As I am hardly home, it was my first time to mop the house … yes, I did enjoy it 🙂

Before Mark went fishing, he made sure that the fireplace is ready to use. And I did try and succeeded … all the cooking happened on the fireplace. No other option, as the gas cylinder was empty anyway, hehe.

Baby boy and I decided to go for a walk in the afternoon. So we walked all the way to the shop, which is quite a distance for an almost 1.5 year old. So he deserved an icecream, I thought. Half way back home, he felt asleep on my shoulders. Not easy to carry additional 11kg around.

At night I managed to get the main things done for the work document so I just need to do smaller editing at work next morning. However, it costed me 2 cups of black tea with sugar, so that I won’t fall asleep, as I was quite tired.

Baby boy and I had a great Sunday, although we missed daddy!

willpower and co

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • fear of the answer
  • will power
  • Bill Gates video about farming
  • start reading papers to get into the “slang”

This fear, something could go wrong. You have tried to settle down, so you can focus on the future with your family, but then one wrong move, word or action … and it can be destroyed and you have to start from scratch somewhere else, maybe even with someone else. Ok, let’s not cry the wolf here. But having this fear, can very much hold you back in your potential, what you could achieve. Should we always have a plan B? That’s they they say you should do some saving for emergency, for just in case. But you know what, although we do savings, it has never reached the level of being sufficient, because I had to move and circumstances have changed too quickly. So yes, I am not sure how to fight this fear. Maybe only by really being me (again?) … do what you think you should do, be yourself … and people will question you, ridicule you and then copy you.

Willpower, something I have seen in me. With willpower, I have been raw foodist and run to the gym almost daily back in my Aussie days. Am I consistent? Not really. Yes for the food and gym back then, and the only person I had to be responsible was myself. Does willpower works when you are tired? For your own safety, sleep when you are tired!
I will appreciate more the little things I am doing on a daily basis.

This I think is very nice short video from Bill Gates:

What do you think?

It’s all not new, but you have to train your mind to talk the language you should be talking. I have to show the willpower now and look into those UN reports and check out all the charts. What’s the latest in agricultre? What the most “in” journal when it comes to development work?

Sorry, a bit short today … I am just sooo tired tonight.

Culture issues

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • how to meditate?
  • if I could find time for meditation … plan it! get up early!
  • does having your menses changes your life for the time?
  • learn Fijian language and culture
  • what is my culture?
  • step up or stay in the comfort zone?
  • is that being selfish?
  • work, work, work = live, live, live

Meditation has been a subject in my life for the last 10 years. It started with a yoga-meditation course in Brisbane back in 2006. Oh, actually, we did some meditation already during my last year at Uni in Freising, Germany, 2004/2005. That was the first time when I had to try to think about nothing 🤔

So the question how to meditate is somehow superfluous. It only means after more than 10 years I still haven’t managed to get into it seriously. The issues I have are time and sleepiness. Surely I could get up early in the morning, but trying to meditate and I’m back to sleep again. I know I will keep trying. In the mean time I have taken up yoga, a good stretch in the morning to get the blood and the lymphatic system going. On top of that there is more about meditation than just sitting down and trying to think about nothing.

The menses issue. I can get very upset when girls or women tell me they can’t do this or that because they have their menses. This and that could be a kind of exercise, some kind of work. I would understand being in a bad mood, because that’s what happens to me. Kind of “don’t talk to me today”. Ok, our monthly period might have different meanings to different women of various cultures. And also, it might feel different from woman to woman. Do you see the period as a weakness? Why does it hold you back? Most men would probably freak out losing that much blood. Like pregnancy, it is not a disease … So what’s the drama? 

The different cultures here in Fiji was a hot topic today at work. It was all about, misunderstanding and misinterpretation, sending the wrong signals and receiving different signals. There is so much more to the Fijian culture than what you see and get on the tourist level. Living with a Fijian husband and babysitter, you would think I get it. Far from it. I guess I will have to live with it, but I will make therefore to learn culture and language.

On the other hand it opened up the question what is my culture? There is a gap for me and I would have to dig very deep. 

The comfort zone … Can be exciting when just arrived but after a while you surely get bored. So, finding an alternative is almost a must. Surely it is selfish. Stop typing here and go to bed is just another husband. 

Enough said … Very tired

Medication

As soon as I lay down, I fall asleep. And sometimes baby boy still running around. Who to blame? Of course myself, but also the permanent change of dosage of my medication. 

I had found the right dosage  and stuck to it for years. However, i wanted to find out whether my body can heal itself, when I just eat the right things. I still believe us human beings can do that. For me just the circumstances run a bit out of control, like leaving the country, marriage, new job, new life and baby boy. 

Now I feel like I need to start from scratch. Get the right dosage and get your life sorted. Then we can talk again.

As already listed in the last post, I really want to get things done, personally and at work. And at the moment things are quite overwhelming. Though, I am getting baby steps done. I guess I can’t see the changes until I have done a couple more baby steps. Additionally, there are still too many steps backwards. And if I or we could sort them out, that would be just wonderful. What are those steps backwards? Here some examples as I see it today:

  • Lack of planning
  • Lack of discipline
  • Lack of goal setting ( to a degree)

Big issue, but we have to tackle them slowly. I’m still learning and I might repeat some mistakes, the thing is, most of the circumstances have changed. 

Ok, before my eyes are closing again, I better finish off this post.

Good night everyone.

thought poor day

The thought catching process didn’t really work out today. Because in everything I did today, I really had to focus and I couldn’t let my thoughts wander around. I just remember one thought and that was that my boss really dragges me out of my family focus. Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate it for several reasons:

  • Seeing my family from outside. It’s like moving overseas and seeing and hearing about your home country, maybe even in a different language. Completely different experience
  • Do the work I love to do 100%. Just imagine coming home in a good mood, with a smile, happy that you had a good day at work. Not many can say that

However, one of my biggest concerns is, that I won’t get all the things done I want to do, be it at home or at work, just because a day has only 24hours. I guess the following list is not complete, but those “ideas” are coming back again and again and need some serious further development:

  • becoming fully vegetarian again, maybe even raw foodist
  • backing cakes and breads for the family
  • reading, reading, reading
  • doing all those online courses I have found
  • realizing those recycling projects at work using plastic bottles
  • Setting up an organisations/enterprise software
  • Implementing HACCP
  • read with my son
  • teach him swimming
  • winter holidays with my parents
  • have a farm
  • shopping for clothes (as a necessity)
  • developing new products
  • buying a car
  • exercise, exercise, move

Ok, big day tomorrow.
Good night

Just take my time

I’m not really in peace when it comes to planning. It seems like any tiny item I am planning will be attacked with disruption at home and at work. I understand the importance of planning, but I always had my concerns and sometimes I feel like giving up on planning.

Maybe already my initial doubts are destroying the plan. Or maybe I’m still not planning properly. Like one always should plan inclusive possible interruptions. I’m also struggling with estimating the time things take.

So yes, this thing can be really annoying, at work and at home. It feels Ike other people are just taking my time and I’m missing out on how I want to spend my time. 

lost thoughts

oh man, lost 2 days of thoughts … I could blame the software I am using. Anyway, will see what I can recall. I remember it was a roller-coaster of thoughts and emotions again.
How messages are received is kind of out of our control. We can mean it in a good way, just focussing on getting the message out and keeping it short, and the person receiving it, sees the lack of information and feels hurt and not appreciated. Wrong timing and mis-interpretation and tension evolves. Have been there and done that. Can I learn from it? Only what is in my control zone, and that might be timing and prioritizing. Hope not to make that mistake again.
I don’t like being tired. During the day I should be awake and do whatever I want to do. Sure you can have low times, but not everyday. I want to feel pumped and energized, excited about the things I am doing. Things I have to change is food, drink more water and movement. And then there is thing with the medication. I know I am on a low dose, but can I train my mind to live with that?
Sometimes it just comes out … the talk behind the back. Especially when I am in rage. So here I need to learn to control myself. I am aware that being sarcastic is somehow in my blood … but it can and will backfire. And I really don’t need that.
Finally we can use the iPad at home again … more options to write for me. That the internet is down for some days, that another story, hahah! Anyway, the plan is to stay on track with my thought catching daily journal … sure I lost some day, but that is not holding me back to keep going.
Some thoughts will be of course work related … but those I don’t want to discuss and evolve here. For those I need another platform (good idea by the way).
Let’s keep it short for this post … it’s already too late.

Stay safe!

discipline

yes, I am running late with today’s post. But I want to show commitment and here we go, today’s post with today’s collected thoughts. (Maybe not as intensive as yesterday’s ones).

I am surprised to be so active, although my thyroid is in slow mode … even my dose is too low, but we want to see how I go. So far so good.

Most of today’s thoughts were triggered by an very angry email I have received this morning. What would you do if the person doesn’t believe you what you say and even claims that you run away. (I haven’t even left Earth yet, and I am not planning to) Fiji is still reachable for everyone. Anyway, today’s thoughts with comments were:

  • After a long time, I have done my own breakfast with bananas and mother of all herbs leaves … add a bit of water and blend it up. So yummy and refreshing. Hopefully can make it a routine! (Now that everything is growing in our garden!)
  • Imagine people come and offer you help. However, you don’t see the need to ask for help as you can manage more or less by yourself, because you know you can. But still, they come and help out. And then they expect something in return. Hey, I didn’t ask for the help … why do I feel betrayed? Sure, it is a nice move of them, but … No but? Do I have to accept every help? Or is it because I find it hard to share or give back? I am a single child after all. No solution for that issue yet, but it is bothering me for a while now and it might put me in bigger problems.
  • The above issue makes me feel guilty again and I start putting myself down. NOT HELPING! Where to start? Forgiving myself and others sounds like a plan. That means I need to find time and space to do the actual action of forgiving. Mostly I try to pray or meditate over it. I guess it is just a question of time … so just keep doing gurl!
  • I have read a quote today in facebook about removing the toxic people out of your life. Sure, sounds easy, but what if they keep coming back and keep bothering and blaming you? Then forgiving and forgetting seems to be impossible. At the end it depends how I react to their action. I decide how I feel about it. Don’t let other people trigger your mood.
  • Bohhh, we run out of tamarind at work … how could this happen? And where I live, tamarind is kind of everywhere. Just need to find the people who will shake the trees and collect the beans and peel them and pit the seeds. It’s not the big money … it’s the bulk which should be attractive. And I am lacking time! What can we do to utilize the situation. Send husband and son to collect tamarind? Get neighbours daughter to climb up the tree and shake it, so I just need to collect it? The more people involved the more we have to share the profit. Oh, don’t be sooo selfish. I love the whole process and I will keep doing it. I just need the idea and strategy how to bring it to the next level. Just by myself is not working.

Ok, better head off to bed … running very late here. Have a good night people. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start!

Love my boys

life in between

I have to sleeping beauties lying down behind snoring their way away. Between all my thought catching tries yesterday and today, I found myself observing my son developing his own mind, making his own decision. The best part is always when he comes and grabs my hand and we go somewhere. But yesterday he just grabbed my hand and then he paused thinking deeply. Here I wished I could read his thoughts … was it fear, uncertainty or I just want to hold mum’s hand? Those moments make it all worth it, I mean being a parent.

Today’s thought catching got a hug distraction by work … busy as we start a new year, new projects and unfortunately still so much left over from last year. Anyway, here some of the thought from today and still some from yesterday:

  • What’s the point of jewellery? People without jewellery just don’t know how to express themselves or do they don’t need to express themselves or are they not worth it. Or do they just value things in life differently?
  • humiliation is against human rights … so I think the public statement of various companies in local newspaper that a particular person (named and pictured) is not employed at this company anymore etc is humiliation and has to stop. I understand the side of the company, however this issue is an issue between the company and that particular person. The company has no right to make the life of that person even more harder by publicly humiliating her/him. Just saying … will I have the courage to repot to the Human Rights Commission?
  • Maybe some thoughts are meant to be lost, just to be found again … like a deja vu
  • There is something bothering me with that human needs pyramid from Maslow. Somehow I bring it in connection with living standards. Humans can adapt to everything. You can live in a mansion but also in a tin house, you just adapt. What’s the difference? The standard you set yourself? But what if I am ok with a tin house and my basic need of shelter is covered. And I put my prioritise more on the esteem and belong level. Ok, this thought is definitely not finished and might be even discussed with other, someone who knows what I am talking about. (Hard to find these day … I feel sometimes like an hermit)
  • That is something I am not really proud of, but I couldn’t find a solution yet. Like being judgemental. For example I am seeing someone, and I immediately make up my opinion, kind of the effect of the first impression. Of course it is not right, but how do you prevent this? The bad thing is that my thoughts are sometimes nasty and/or sarcastic. I am sorry, but a nose ring just reminds me of a bull’s nose ring … I don’t see any beauty in that. Prejudice? Probably. I just stop it? How? One of the things I am trying is controlling my mind with meditation. It is a long process, but will see. Might sounds bad, but hey … I need something to laugh as well, hehe
  • I am so not into following the flow, I mean the group pressure. If everyone loves something, I am mostly dislike it. Not because I want to be different, it is because I really don’t like it. For example another women’s hairstyle … everyone is praising it on facebook and I think for myself WTH did she do to herself. I know I have to be careful what I am saying and sometimes even what I am not saying. But I also feel guilty by not saying anything. I guess there are things you can say and other things you should not say … might have to check on that list.
  • When a disaster hits, is nature telling us something? We build earthquake-safe houses, soundproofed windows … so are we preventing nature to communicate with us? Shouldn’t we feel the wind and the rain? We are encapsulate ourselves away from nature. Something that needs more thought.

Looks like a lot, but these things keep my mind busy all day. I haven’t even mentioned all the recipes and projects I want to try, because I want to have a healthy sustainable life. So better to be on paper. Oh, and did I do the tamarind yesterday? No, hubby said to relax … I have to admit the weather is not helping either these days.

Time to knock off now … still have to pack my lunch!
Love my boys

thought catcher

I have to solve one issue. How to capture all the thoughts I have. Most of the time I don’t have pen and paper or the computer handy or it is one short thought, one short phrase and I am afraid I won’t be able to turn it into a nice complete blog post. Just do it? I guess so … just no one tells me that, so I tell myself now:

You have a thought, try to put it down somewhere, where you find it and we can elaborate on that later. You need to practise!

The lost of a thought, that excited me before is something I don’t want to experience too often. Every thought is worth be written down to be remembered, to be re-thought, to have the value evolved and given more time so new baby thoughts can come out of it, enriching our world. (wow … well said! 😛 )

Next how to capture that actual idea or thought? Mobile is still too slow for me, pen and paper it is. And on the PC I should have Evernote open, so I can just open it at home and checked what I thought about during the day and maybe there will be some posts coming out of it.

The thoughts I remember from today are:

  • plant tamarind trees as compound border
  • peel more tamarind
  • back to work tomorrow
  • peel more tamarind
  • and the day is not over yet 🙂

Ok … I better go and peel some tamarind … as I said earlier … action is louder than words!

Love my boys!