Tag Archives: confidence

willpower and co

Thoughts of the day (edited):

  • fear of the answer
  • will power
  • Bill Gates video about farming
  • start reading papers to get into the “slang”

This fear, something could go wrong. You have tried to settle down, so you can focus on the future with your family, but then one wrong move, word or action … and it can be destroyed and you have to start from scratch somewhere else, maybe even with someone else. Ok, let’s not cry the wolf here. But having this fear, can very much hold you back in your potential, what you could achieve. Should we always have a plan B? That’s they they say you should do some saving for emergency, for just in case. But you know what, although we do savings, it has never reached the level of being sufficient, because I had to move and circumstances have changed too quickly. So yes, I am not sure how to fight this fear. Maybe only by really being me (again?) … do what you think you should do, be yourself … and people will question you, ridicule you and then copy you.

Willpower, something I have seen in me. With willpower, I have been raw foodist and run to the gym almost daily back in my Aussie days. Am I consistent? Not really. Yes for the food and gym back then, and the only person I had to be responsible was myself. Does willpower works when you are tired? For your own safety, sleep when you are tired!
I will appreciate more the little things I am doing on a daily basis.

This I think is very nice short video from Bill Gates:

What do you think?

It’s all not new, but you have to train your mind to talk the language you should be talking. I have to show the willpower now and look into those UN reports and check out all the charts. What’s the latest in agricultre? What the most “in” journal when it comes to development work?

Sorry, a bit short today … I am just sooo tired tonight.


Appreciation … something we want, we don’t get, we don’t give, we forget, we depend on and so on. Appreciation is kind of an immediate gratification. And in the last decade this has been bad-mouthed to me. So, giving a compliment or appreciate someones work/help is not that comes easy and consciously from me.

But I also feel the lack of appreciation … at work and at home. Ok, I get paid at work, that’s what I get for what I do. And maybe I am not that good at what I am doing, so no pats on the shoulders … self-confidence, don’t listen! At home, it’s another story. Everyday feels like I do things for the first time. And to build confidence in something I need to do it again, again and again to be good at it.

I got one hug yesterday, and I cried … it was kind of a relieve. This happens when there is no really one around here I can talk to. My bestie lives on another bigger island and I didn’t think of the God yet. (Something to think about).

I need to find my space, to resort mind and soul, to discuss ideas at least with myself, let them out there. So when the idea is good, they will come back. And if it is only one line, written down means it is not lost.

Resolution for 2016? Oh stop, it never worked … so take just one thing and go for it for at least one month. This reminds me today is the 4th smoke-free day in a row … not too bad, isn’t it? Stories will come and go, ideas and thoughts will come and go … just need to fill out this space. But I also have to remember, that action speak louder than words. Long hard journey with lots of up and downs … and lot of things why they don’t work out.


best things that happen to me ... Mark & Franz
best things that happen to me … Mark & Franz

feeling you have accomplished something is a great feeling … you go home with your head hold high. Your colleagues praise you high as well and your self-confidence seems to raise, carefully of course. Because you have been burned before. You felt good about what you have done, and then the feedback from the management. One note, one comment … enough to destroy anything.

Of course, it is up to you if you take comments personally. Easy to say not to do … but I am sure everyone of us has a bit of an ego. So, how many time are you able to build up your crashed ego? Or do you just start not to enjoy the accomplishment anymore.

I’ve felt good today after work, but I am seriously scared of crashing again … kind of fear of failure. Instead of feeling of accomplishment the feeling of being a loser is stronger these days. Especially if you don’t know what will happen … uncertainty. Scary, very scary. I feel like I have tried lots of things, but I haven’t succeeded in any. Did I try not hard enough or not long enough? Don’t get me started about passion. I did enjoy the data analysis I did today. I just hope the management will enjoy it as well.

I need to clear my mind and look at all the options we have.

Love my son and husband!

Peace out!

So many questions

IMG_3487.JPGI’m behind, I’m behind … With writing a blog every day. Anyhow … we just keep going.

My self-confidence roller coaster is taking loops. And I just don’t know where to start thinking, planning or motivating myself. Literally, as soon as I’ve planned something, something else is coming up.

Tomorrow I’ll start, and then baby requires more attention than usual and I’m falling asleep when I’m feeding him. So what to do, when one step forward means two step backwards? We chose a different path? What are our options? How to map it down? What is realistic?

And who could we ask? No one nearby has been in a similar situation. Are we trying to hard to be different? Do we try to please everyone else and keep forgetting ourselves? Should we be more selfish?

Is there something we can’t let go? Do we hesitate to look over the edge of the comfort zone? What do we really want? We had so many meetings, but did they bring any clarity or clear road map?

Is there any work I can do to a satisfactory degree? It feels like anything I touch, I’m scared to fail in. The personal development world has taught, you can do anything, if you just put your mind into it, etc. But I blew it up. My certification don’t reflect my practical knowledge, because of lack of practice? Maybe. So what to do? Another certificate or should I finally try to stick to some kind of trade? But what if other things are out of my control?

Any answers, advice or ideas are welcome!

I’m planning not to give up, not yet.

Peace out!

Theory vs practice

IMG_3417.JPGAt the end of the day I need to make a decision. I have been put in a position I didn’t want to do anymore. I knew enough to help family and friends, but I won’t be able to make a living out of it. The last years I did enjoy the fitness path I had entered and yes, I gained one certificate and I’m in the process to do another one. After all we are in a system of certificates. But the practical part I enjoyed and it was good for my body too.
Am I able ( financially) to fully commit to it? There is physically no mentor near by, the closest one is my best friend and buddy Daina in Brisbane, three flight hours away.
It still won’t be that easy as I’m in a foreign country. Of course I have the option to go back “home” to Germany, but as what profession? I seriously want to enjoy my life. Familial I have found what I was looking for. The universe gave me a loving and caring husband and beautiful child. I am healthy and I’m keen to keep learning. Just in the vocational area I’m still struggling and life has put plenty of obstacles in my way.
So yes, there is a huge difference between theory and practice. So maybe the system should consider that … They request one certificate after the other but how do one gain the hands-on skills?
I can tell my son how to sit, but he won’t be able to sit until he tried again, again and again.

they say to smile all the time and make other happy … I have tried and lost myself in there.

just when you thought you’re settled

New Years 2015 at home… it comes with a bang. All the planning and budgeting you have done just days ago … for nothing. Every confidence you’ve just gained, gone again … and maybe even a bit further away than usual.

Every “personal developer” would say things like this:

  • fail forward
  • don’t give up
  • where there is a will there is a way
  • refocus … clear your mind
  • find your passion
  • think about yourself first
  • just look at the good things that happen

looks like this didn’t really work the last couple of years. It all went downhill since I started all this. Sorry for being negative today, but that’s how I feel.

everything is questionable as even the basic human needs, like shelter and food, are in question again and we can’t take them for granted anymore.

Sure, there have been good things happen in my life and I really appreciate them and hope, if God will, they will stick around me for much longer. Love them to bit, hehehe!

Let’s keep smiling and stop whining … someone has a plan for me, I am sure about that. What will I change? I don’t know yet. Maybe I should find out the things I am good at, and I just can’t see them.

I wish everyone a happy 2015. Thank God for 2014 that has brought good things into my life, like my bundle of joy Franz and has made the marriage to Mark even stronger.

Find 5 positive reasons why you want freedom in life

This is a task I am working on right now.

Freedom means different things to different people. The meaning could even change of lifetime, as it did for me. As I grew up in a communist country, freedom meant back in time freedom in speech, freedom in religion or even freedom to travel. This has changed now for me.

Now I am looking for a more personal kind of freedom. I’ve put myself in a cage of high expectations, high expectations I have of myself but especially the high expectations my parents have of me (I believe they have them, but they actually don’t have them => problem number 1 😉 )

This puts me in a situation that I am never happy, I don’t see the achievements I have done in the past, I believe I am not successful etc … nasty situation to be in.  I am doing this task over a couple of days, and at the end I will chose the top 5 ones, the ones that appear everyday or the ones that I am strongest related to.

What have I found so far:

  • independence … very important for, but not that difficult for me as I grew up as a single child
  • Be the person who I really am … and not the person my boss wants me to be or my parents want me to be
  • Flexibility … due to the job I am in at the moment, I am bound to be at a specific time and a specific location, if I want or not
  • less negative stress … if I could work in the area I love, then it wouldn’t be work anymore and the negative stress would turn into a nice loving challenge
  • sincerity … doing what I love to do and my work would be far more sincere, as I love the product/service and I am 100% behind it.

I am sure there are plenty to add and I might update this post over time.

Not sure why freedom has become so important to me. Being bound to a job I don’t like, being bound to specific times makes me very uncomfortable. I have done it, I am doing it … but I also know a way out and I am working on it. I have the freedom to do so. So many don’t realize that they are slaves to the system, bound to a working scheme and bound to a financial scheme.

What does freedom mean to you? In what area do you think you need more freedom?