Tag Archives: family

This is it

images (16)Husband is gone out to sea, baby home with nanny and me off to work again. This is it? Both parents are working in jobs they like and baby home and hopefully safe with nanny. Does this make us bad parents? I think we need to be clear how we think about it. Realistically we need two salaries. From the heart I feel sad leaving baby boy home. I miss his laugh and his actions every single day. At least I see him every day. His dad is now out at sea. He misses his son badly, especially being with him every day for 14 months.
We knew this time will come, but I have faith this will make us stronger as a family.
At home we are trying to “train” our nanny. She is brilliant and we are very happy, that baby boy gets along with her. It’s just me again who needs kind of a system and rhythm, so things work out “my way”.
One rhythm I have and that is going to work almost on a daily basis. I love my job, although plenty of things to do.
Almost there! Miss and love my boys!

Peace out


Just finished reading the book “the biology of belief”. It matches nicely my knowledge of cell biology with my spiritual level. And Lipton’s conclusion, that knowing doesn’t change anything. You have to actually do it to get results.
Do what, you might ask. I really can’t hear it anymore, but it’s like ” think positive”. It’s actually far more behind these two words.
The environment is the main influence on who you are and what you do. But are you able to change the environment, so it influences you in a way you want to be influenced?
So, why the title “powerlessness”? My reaction to some environmental signals seem out of my control and I take things very personally and shut down. I don’t want to fight or argue, but I also don’t agree with everything. Then I shut down and say nothing. Just to avoid any further tension. This is not really helping to solve problems.
This feeling of being powerless is not how I want to feel. Where is that strong independent woman most people see in me? Should I toughen up even more? I’m a mother of a beautiful son, and I feel that I can show my love the first time. I’m usually not a person who shows feeling, but with the birth of Franz, things have changed a bit. Out of my control … At least it feels like it. Maybe something out of my sub consciousness.
That seems to be a good topic to meditate about.

Love you Mark & Franz

My confidence

859677_10200094397937378_1323995973_oI want my self-confidence back. Firstly, confidence is sexy. (words borrowed from my husband). Secondly, it would give me more stability, better posture and a clearer mind. The question is now how. I need to stop feeling pity for myself. What happened in the past happened. I can’t change that anymore. I have to acknowledge that. And my past is not full of mistakes, I had success and good times as well. I should embrace that.
I need to live now and plan, budget and save for the future. If I can get my family involved the better.
Let’s do it day by day. On a daily basis I won’t let anyone put me down. Daily I will plan and review. No doubt anymore and no worries.
It’s another start into a new week today. I will face it with all its up and downs.
Peace out!

Broken heart

It breaks my heart every morning to leave my baby. The first thing he does in the morning is smile at you. And his smile can melt hearts. Seeing him leaning against daddy’s shoulder and seeing me leave to work, it’s just not a good feeling. I miss him every minute. I miss his smile.
But what choice do we have? One of us has to work.

Another Monday morning and baby came crawling to me with his big smile. Do you really think I was ready to go? I could feel like a bad mother, but I decide not to. I know I will be back this afternoon and will be welcomed with a big smile again. Then is mother-son-time!
Today is my birthday, and baby was the first to congratulate me. Love you Franz!
We will do our best to be great parents and to give you the best start into life. You have been given to us for a reason, and we accepted this challenge. Lot of fun things are coming our way.

But first back to work … Peace out.

Things you don’t like to talk about

Funny, how can be something you don’t have such a burden? It gives sleepless nights, arguments with loved ones, you can be ashamed of it and sometimes it even can be life threatening.
I’m talking about money.
Tough times when you can’t ends meet. Or even have to take a loan or ask family and friends. Not a nice situation to be in. The question could be how to go through a situation like this, but I think it is more important to ask yourself how to get OUT of it and what structures you have to put into place so this won’t happen again. If you keep doing what you are doing, it will be the same outcome.
Your expenses are cut down to the essentials. Next step is to find ways to increase your income.

  • ask for pay rise
  • find another job
  • have a second income stream, like your partner gets a job
  • you get a second job

everyone has to think for himself, as every family is different.
I’m reaching my work now and I have to make a decision for my family too.

Peace out!

Precious sleep

Last night was one of those nights when you wake up because it’s too quiet and you better check on baby, if everything is alright. I hope it’s a sign of improvement and the cry-attacks were some exceptional behavior.
How much I miss to sleep in or to have a 2 hours nap in the afternoon. But baby comes first. At night my husband tend to fall asleep when watching movie. Then I usually start to get my stuff ready for next day, so I don’t need to rush in the morning. Still, I would love to have some more structure in my life but since marriage and baby, it’s not all about me anymore. Slowly, slowly I try to put my things back into our daily routine, as I as a human being don’t want to go under by sacrificing myself for others. I have learned a lot already, and there is still much more to do.

Off to work again … Love my family … Peace out!

Daily routine

It seems it doesn’t matter how early I get up, I run late anyhow, hehe! Anyway, slowly I can see that routine kicks in in some places and it helps when one is in hurry. Still long way to go.
I also learn to appreciate the routine my parents had taught me. The routine I badly wanted to escape. Now it seems hard to get back to it, especially in a different country and with my new little family.
I love them dearly and miss them every day I’m going to work. But with God’s help will go through it.

Peace out!

Theory vs practice

IMG_3417.JPGAt the end of the day I need to make a decision. I have been put in a position I didn’t want to do anymore. I knew enough to help family and friends, but I won’t be able to make a living out of it. The last years I did enjoy the fitness path I had entered and yes, I gained one certificate and I’m in the process to do another one. After all we are in a system of certificates. But the practical part I enjoyed and it was good for my body too.
Am I able ( financially) to fully commit to it? There is physically no mentor near by, the closest one is my best friend and buddy Daina in Brisbane, three flight hours away.
It still won’t be that easy as I’m in a foreign country. Of course I have the option to go back “home” to Germany, but as what profession? I seriously want to enjoy my life. Familial I have found what I was looking for. The universe gave me a loving and caring husband and beautiful child. I am healthy and I’m keen to keep learning. Just in the vocational area I’m still struggling and life has put plenty of obstacles in my way.
So yes, there is a huge difference between theory and practice. So maybe the system should consider that … They request one certificate after the other but how do one gain the hands-on skills?
I can tell my son how to sit, but he won’t be able to sit until he tried again, again and again.

they say to smile all the time and make other happy … I have tried and lost myself in there.


I might open up here a can of worms, but what the heck … yes I am watching “The Biggest Loser”. Why? I guess there are different reasons.

  • to see the mental changes the participants are going through
  • what is it, that actually makes a person obese
  • to see the different exercises and strategies the trainers are using
  • what makes the contestants to fall back into the comfort zone
  • and much more …

But there is one thing that was kind of an enlightenment for me. The weakness, errors and drawbacks they are fighting more or less successful against at … I have have them as well. I can yell at the biggest contestant ever to toughen up and get back to training as much as I want. But what I actually do is yelling at myself. I also have to toughen up myself and get back to training, back on track … just in a different matter. I can roll my eyes about that girls’ whinging and mock about her, how she is looking for protection from her mum. Then I see myself, telling my friend about how shitty work is and see myself looking for comfort. But do I do anything about it?

The other thing I have noticed that family can be such a comfort zone, but also your worst enemy. All these emotion during the show … it is a bit out of my circle of understanding. Ok, every family is different, every culture is different … but are obese parents more protective of their children than active parents? I assume that is a massive topic to talk about and worth plenty of blog posts.

But where I want to go with it is really what family means to me. Because my relationship to my family has quite changed a bit in the last year. And it just got triggered again by watching “The Biggest Loser”. I am living 16,000km far away from any family member I have. Do I miss them? Not really. What does it mean to miss someone? I would hardly see family even when I was living in Germany. You can judge me or my family now … but that’s how we are. I can’t change my family, I can only change myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but we’re just not that a hugging, hand-holding, peck-giving family.

I don’t want to be seen as a machine anymore without feelings. I think the right people deserve a hug, a smile and peck … and I want to share it because I mean it, not because that is an unwritten law in society. So now you will see me people hugging, but you will also see me refusing a hug because it just feels wrong. I need the right karma for that. Maybe that’s my sixths sense, hehe.

It was a very overwhelming feeling for me when I went to Fiji to meet a new family there. That was a completely new ME, you wouldn’t have recognised me. The warmth I have received there and the warmth I was able to give back (or at least part of it as a beginner) I surprised myself. And it opened up a completely new journey for me, a journey I am really enjoying. Now it is time to share that with my parents, because I think they deserve it. It will be up to them if they accept it or not, but I want to show and tell them that I love them. I can do as many skype calls with them as much as I want … it doesn’t beat sharing something that comes from the heart and you really mean it … true human interaction is the one coming from the heart.

Oh man, that will be interesting.